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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24496012">Pretend Like I Don't Hurt (I Don't, I Don't, I Don't)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NuriaSchnee/pseuds/NuriaSchnee'>NuriaSchnee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Aziraphale Has a Penis (Good Omens), Aziraphale's Trauma, Bottom Aziraphale (Good Omens), Bottom Crowley (Good Omens), Communication, Crowley Has a Penis (Good Omens), Crowley's Hair (Good Omens), Drinking, Explicit Sexual Content, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Hurt Crowley (Good Omens), Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, POV Crowley (Good Omens), Porn with Feelings, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Reunions, Romance, Separations, Service Top Crowley (Good Omens), Soft Crowley (Good Omens), Soul Bond, Switching, They're so horny neither of them know if they rather to top or bottom basically, Top Aziraphale (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:14:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,787</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24496012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NuriaSchnee/pseuds/NuriaSchnee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Aziraphale discovers a horrible murder committed in 1815, provoked by a demon that resembles Crowley, and doubts if he knows his friend for real. Crowley, deeply hurt by this assumption, but understanding Heaven's influence is still over him, takes a step back and goes away, hoping some time apart will help both of them heal.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aziraphale &amp; Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>173</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Pretend Like I Don't Hurt (I Don't, I Don't, I Don't)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Of all the things that are brief, happiness is the most fragile and breakable.</p>
<p>Crowley was certain about it. He’d been six millennia jumping from brief happy moment to another even briefer. Some shattered before ending. He had everything he’d ever wanted one moment and none of it at the other. So, he always cherished every second of happiness that reached him and every one of them had his angel as the protagonist.</p>
<p>When the Armageddon’t passed, he —<em>finally</em>— felt his life was stabilizing. Now, happiness was everywhere, filling all the hours, all the empty holes the past had left on him. And that was thanks to Aziraphale, as always. He cherished his company more than ever, now that he knew how was having him gone for good. Crowley didn’t take for granted not even a minute of their time together, but was certainly getting used to being happy more often than broken. How could he not? Everything he’d wanted was his now. Being with Aziraphale most of his time, and not having to hide anymore.</p>
<p>He was moving slowly, though. He was very much in love with the angel; had been for millennia. And, true, he hoped maybe that new freedom granted him some space, some new possibilities to move forward in their relationship. However, he couldn’t yet. Through the months after what happened, he finally learned Aziraphale was very traumatised after millennia of Heaven treating him like shit. Also, Crowley understood he was still healing from losing his faith on it, from losing what he said to himself was his real home. Besides, he didn’t even know if the angel was interested in him that way. Wouldn’t be a big deal, if never happened, no matter how much he wanted it; being with him, being his friend for the rest of their existences, was more than enough. That new life by Aziraphale’s side was everything to him.</p>
<p>And he wanted to help him heal.</p>
<p>When December hit the streets of London, coldness embracing the whole city, they were already settled into their new reality. Crowley knew that time of the year was rough for the angel. With Christmas approaching, he had more customers than usual, searching for gifts to buy and that stressed him to dangerous levels. Also, Crowley was aware that Aziraphale had been going through a rough patch those last days. He never could predict when those gloomy moods happened; they just happened, always unexpected, and the angel started to overthink too much.</p>
<p>That’s why Crowley stopped by a bakery he knew Aziraphale liked to get something fresh and brought a fine wine, right before heading to the bookshop for one of their nights of drinking and talking until the sun rose.</p>
<p>When he entered the bookshop, curtains already down and the sign of “closed” turned around, Aziraphale was nowhere at sight. Crowley closed the door behind him, glad to feel the warmth of the place embracing his body, the scent of old books and Aziraphale’s cologne welcoming him.</p>
<p>“Angel?” He asked, walking towards the little study at the bottom of the place, searching for him.</p>
<p>He found Aziraphale sitting on his chair, a very old book open before him, but his gaze fixed on the window. Crowley sensed a strange feeling enveloping his friend, alerting all of his senses.</p>
<p>“Aziraphale?” He said softly.</p>
<p>The angel bounced a little, startled, letting out a faint gasp. Crowley furrowed and stared, quiet on his place, when Aziraphale turned around to him very slowly, two very frightened blue eyes fixing on him.</p>
<p>“Angel,” he rasped. Struck with hard concern, he crossed the distance to him, leaving everything fast on the table and leaning over him a little. “What is it? Are you alright?”</p>
<p>“Cr-Crowley…” He stuttered, clearly shaken.</p>
<p>Aziraphale backed away a little, his pupils shrinking at the closeness. Crowley froze at the sight.</p>
<p>“Talk to me,” Crowley almost demanded, worried to the bone. “Has something happened? Have someone…?”</p>
<p>“Where were you in 1815?” The angel blurted out, although with a faint voice.</p>
<p>Crowley’s mind froze for a second, noticing a thin layer of sweat on his temples. “What?” He breathed out, confused.</p>
<p>“Where were you?” Aziraphale asked, his voice still trembling.</p>
<p>“What’s this question?”</p>
<p>“Just…” Aziraphale hesitated; he looked very pale. “Answer, please.”</p>
<p>Even if he didn’t understand what was going on, he complied, hoping to find out if he did. “I… In a few places, if I recall well. Mostly here,” he answered. “You know that. We met a few times that year. Told you back then if I had to leave to get a temptation done elsewhere. The usual,” Crowley furrowed more, feeling his composure flattering. “Why are you asking me this? What the hell is going on?”</p>
<p>“I…” He mumbled, not finishing, his lost gaze dropping to the book on the table.</p>
<p>Unsettled, Crowley bent over the table to read whatever was written there. He realized Aziraphale had backed away more, pressing himself against the chair, putting more space between them, but didn’t say a thing. Instead, he read.</p>
<p>It seemed a very old history book, or something similar. It took him a few lines to comprehend what those pages were explaining and, slowly, word after word, he started to realize what was happening. There, there was the story of a murder in a little village of France between May and July of 1815. A man went crazy and killed his whole family in one night, while they slept, in a horrible, very gruesome way. However, what made Crowley’s heart drop were the last words written: “<em>Before the murderer was condemned to death, he declared a red-haired demon with uncanny eyes had possessed him and made him commit those murders</em>.”</p>
<p>Crowley straightened up, backing away one step, realization striking him. He didn’t look at Aziraphale; he couldn’t.</p>
<p>“You can’t be serious,” he said in a faint voice.</p>
<p>Aziraphale wasn’t just afraid. He was afraid <em>of Crowley</em>. And he’d assumed straight away that Crowley had been the author of that monstrosity, even after millennia of knowing him, of knowing he’d never do such a thing.</p>
<p>He knew that story. The whole Hell had known it when it happened. And, yes, it had been a demon, but hadn’t been him.</p>
<p>Crowley felt he couldn’t breathe. He risked to raise his eyes to Aziraphale and his expression was broken with fear and disappointment. He backed on a near bookshelf, feeling his body about to collapse.</p>
<p>“Do you think it was me?” He breathed out. “Seriously?”</p>
<p>Aziraphale snapped his head up then, giving him a hard look, breaking Crowley even more. He was <em>convinced</em>. “You were in France by the end of April. And then, this happened. A-And the murdered said he was pushed by a red-haired demon with uncanny eyes?” Aziraphale was trembling, his voice shattering. “I don’t...”</p>
<p>“It wasn’t me!” Crowley escalated, astonished. “‘M not the only demon with red hair and strange eyes down there.”</p>
<p>His defensiveness started to flatter, but the harm was done. Aziraphale had dug a knife in the middle of his chest that couldn’t be pulled out now.</p>
<p>“Just so you know, the demon’s name is Tetal. He did it; all Hell knew. And I was in France to corrupt a written legacy to make a family fight over it, work I didn’t even have to do because they were already fighting over it. You <em>know</em> me, Aziraphale. How can you even think…?” He was unable to repeat it.</p>
<p>“I also knew Heaven,” he said in a broken murmur and his eyes widened right away, probably realizing what he’d just said.</p>
<p>At that, Crowley definitely thought he would crumble, fall on the floor and turn into dust. A sudden coldness hit him and heard the pieces of his soul shattering, breaking inside his being, cutting deeper than ever.</p>
<p>“I’ve never lied to you. Never,” Crowley whispered, not sure his voice would resist the hurt that was shaking him now. “I’ve never been false to you. All you’ve seen, it’s what I am.”</p>
<p>Something trembled inside Aziraphale; he saw it in his eyes. Even so, he didn’t say a thing yet.</p>
<p>“I’d never do such a thing. I’ve never… Done something like that,” he choked out, sensing his whole being swallowed by despair. “After everything, I would’ve never thought it would take this little for you to doubt me.”</p>
<p>Realization seemed to hit Aziraphale then. His lips parted then, although not produced a sound right away, and stood up, as if wanting to reach for him. “Crowley, I just…” He looked down at the book for a long moment, before rising his sorrowful eyes to him again. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know…Why I’ve…”</p>
<p>“I know the answer already,” he muttered, not being able to hide he was hurt. “‘Cause I’m a demon. Above anything else, that’s what I am to you.”</p>
<p>“That’s not true,” Aziraphale protested, his eyes dampening.</p>
<p>“It’s not? You sure?” He managed to say, although he barely felt capable. “Maybe you aren’t aware of it, but it’s still there. That vision is still inside your mind. And I can’t compete with it. I… Can’t anymore.”</p>
<p>The silence fell between them and Crowley couldn’t handle that situation for longer. He needed to flee right now.</p>
<p>“I think it’s better we postpose this to another night. Enjoy the wine and the pastries,” he just said with a rough tone, before exiting the place.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Crowley stepped into his flat, all he could see was dull emptiness.</p>
<p>Not that his flat hadn’t been like that all the time; however, now, it was another kind of devastation he felt. That place had been his spot of waiting, his momentary place to be, restlessness keeping his company, patience crushing him as he waited for the next call of the angel, wanting to see him.</p>
<p>Now, there was nothing to wait for. He knew he couldn’t go back to Aziraphale.</p>
<p>He stayed backed on the door, after closing it, and noticed he hadn’t been breathing since the moment he’d gotten out of the bookshop. His corporation would’ve felt dead, if his human heart wasn’t beating so wildly. Coldness was harboured in his core, making him feel as if drowning in a bathtub full of ice cubes. His vision was blurry and couldn’t focus on anything around him; his gaze was lost. His mind wasn’t functioning properly, just projecting simple functions to keep his body moving while he remembered the frightened look Aziraphale had while staring at him on loop.</p>
<p>When Crowley suddenly lost all his strength, sliding down to the floor, and felt the slight hit reverberating all over him, only then he broke down. Taking off the sunglasses and throwing them far with anger, his tears fell, out of his control, and tried to swallow the sobs, feeling extremely pathetic, but couldn’t. He bent over, hugging his knees, burying his broken expression between them, and cried in a very undemonic way.</p>
<p>He felt stupid. That incident shouldn’t have been such a deal. He’d explained himself; Aziraphale had believed him in the end. However, the shaking of the angel’s hands and the residual terror in his eyes hadn’t abandoned him and Crowley had sensed whatever that kept him collected shatter, probably vanished forever.</p>
<p>After six millennia, Crowley had endured being apart from Aziraphale, struggling to get even the briefest moments with him, waiting for him, being patient and understanding. He’d suffered his rejection, his unsureness, his trauma and his ups and downs. He’d been there through it all, and stayed. Always stayed. And after the Armageddon’t, those endeavours hardened, so now Crowley knew what really was going on inside the angel’s mind for real. He wanted to help him with all of him.</p>
<p>He had accepted all that suffering and loneliness, because he knew, deep down, Aziraphale still accepted him whenever they meet again, quarrels and mistakes always solved and forgiven. However, he never… He’d never been afraid of Crowley. Never, not even when they met and he climbed up the wall of Eden to him, changing from a big serpent to human-like form. Not even then.</p>
<p>And now… He’d looked so frightened in Crowley’s presence, trembling, sweating cold and with his pupils shrinking more as he tried to explain himself.</p>
<p>Crowley couldn’t forget it, couldn’t move on as if it was nothing and continue being around the angel. Not now. Not for a while, possibly. From all the times Aziraphale had hurt him, the one that had destroyed him completely had been precisely the one that hadn’t been on purpose. And that made it even worse. Made him feel more guilty for what he was about to do. But he thought it was necessary. It was the only way to solve this.</p>
<p>He rose on his feet, barely, his knees feeling weak and his muscles trembling. He dragged himself to his throne, letting himself fall on it, practically collapsing, and rested his elbows on the table to rest his head on his hands, turning the phone off just in case. The sobs were fading, although the tears didn’t seem to have intention to stop falling soon and now his lungs burned.</p>
<p>For an indeterminate amount of time, which could’ve been hours or even days, he stayed there, crying, not strong enough to snap his fingers to get everything ready, his plants transported and his suitcase prepared. He was trying to find a trace of strength, even if slight and weak, something to held onto and find a better solution. But Crowley was broken. His heart, his soul —<em>whatever, really</em>— had received the last hit and couldn’t get back to what it was. He wished to forget Aziraphale’s look. He wished… But was unable to.</p>
<p>The worse was that Crowley knew what had happened. During those months, he’d learned how traumatized the angel was, how broken Heaven had left him after millennia of despising and indoctrinating him. He lost his faith on everything he believed and defended for centuries. Now, there was only their side and, when he’d found that damned book and started to see coincidences, the angel had been afraid of being misplaced again. It wasn’t his fault, not completely; the things he’d gone through were playing tricks on his mind.</p>
<p>But it hurt. It hurt very badly that he thought Crowley could’ve done such thing, that he could’ve lied and used him even if just for a moment. Crowley had been working for the angel to trust him since the very beginning and had gone against Heaven and Hell and Everything In Between just to be with him, in whichever way the angel allowed. So, even if it wasn’t Aziraphale’s fault entirely, he had a piece of responsibility for it.</p>
<p>Both of them needed space. Crowley would hate himself for leaving when the angel was still struggling with his trauma and, probably, leaving would make the angel feel even worse. However, he couldn’t stay. This was the only way. If he doubted, he’d never leave, and the circle would start again, hurting them over and over again.</p>
<p>He snapped his fingers and his plants were already located where he’d be heading soon, to his indeterminate retirement, the suitcase ready by the door and a paper, an envelope and a pen in front of him. Sniffling, blinking the last tears away, he grabbed the pen between his trembling fingers. He couldn’t call, not until everything was set; Aziraphale would pick it up for sure and he wasn’t strong enough to hear his voice yet. Nevertheless, he didn’t want to disappear without at least giving him a warning and he suspected words wouldn’t work in his favour when he met him to say goodbye, so a letter was the best he could think of.</p>
<p>Finishing the letter took him more time than he’d expected and when he was standing, folding it and leaving it over the table, already thinking in calling the angel, a sound startled him, his blood freezing and body shivering furiously.</p>
<p>“Crowley,” a broken sound reached his eardrums, shaking him to the core, “are you… Leaving?”</p>
<p>Crowley felt his stomach twisting with nerves and with a snap of his fingers dried his face and miracled his abandoned sunglasses there again. Turning around, he faced Aziraphale, standing by the doorframe, looking extremely pale and shattered. The demon clenched his jaw, holding back the rush of emotions that exploded inside him at the melancholic sight of his beloved angel.</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t be miracling yourself inside other’s houses that way,” he answered instead, his voice so rough it was impossible not to guess he’d been crying.</p>
<p>Aziraphale stared at him as if he could see through his body, as if it was invisible, realization hitting him.</p>
<p>“I’ve… Seen the suitcase, and the plants gone,” he explained and desperation started to show on his features, increasing at a vertiginous rate. “I… Crowley… I was concerned. I called you, but you didn’t answer and, <em>please</em>, believe me… I’m so, so sorry for what I…”</p>
<p>“Don’t apologize,” Crowley stopped him before he could bring it up, colder than he pretended; he didn’t feel like revisiting the situation again. “I explained. You understood. That’s all.”</p>
<p>“It’s obviously not,” Aziraphale muttered, his lower lip trembling slightly. Crowley thought he couldn’t be more shattered, but seems he was wrong once again. The angel approached him, taking two careful but fast steps, and Crowley backed against the table, searching for support. “I know… I know I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry. It was foolish to even doubt you could do such a thing; I shouldn’t have. <em>Please</em>… Let’s talk it out. I <em>need</em>…”</p>
<p>“I rather not, angel,” Crowley shut him off again. “Also, got somewhere to be soon.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale’s expression broke even more, eyes filling with utter despair, blurring with incipient tears. “Where?”</p>
<p>Crowley stayed quiet, petrified, trying to control himself. “Somewhere,” he said, voice completely flat. “Does it matter?”</p>
<p>“To me, yes,” Aziraphale said, an unspoken beg sounding through his words. “Just…” He approached more, his breathing ragged, clearly trying to find a way to solve his mistake. “Let me explain myself. I’m aware it won’t take away what I said but… I’m begging you, I’ve… I don’t want you to go,” he said with a little voice, shaking, seeming as if he was about to break into tears.</p>
<p>Crowley was feeling even more unstable. Sure, he knew Aziraphale would feel that bad after knowing he was going away because of him. He wasn’t prepared to witness it, even so. He held onto the edge of the table, fingers tightening, knuckles turning white, realizing he wouldn’t be able to do this calmly.</p>
<p>“I know you didn’t mean it,” Crowley muttered, trying to breathe in, to keep his voice stable. “But has hurt, Aziraphale. Has hurt very much, to be honest. And I know it’s not your fault, not completely, at least. I know. Shit… <em>I know</em>.”</p>
<p>He took a shuddering breath, closing his eyes at the vision of Aziraphale’s tears increasing, and gripping the table’s edges so hard they could break soon.</p>
<p>“I’ve… Spent millennia working for you to trust me fully. Maybe haven’t been enough truthful. Maybe… Should’ve been more open,” he divagated a little, his mind starting to spin.</p>
<p>“<em>No</em>,” Aziraphale snapped, desperation hardening his voice; Crowley didn’t look up, afraid to see tears on his face. “No, Crowley. It’s not that. I trust you. I do. This isn’t your fault at all.”</p>
<p>“Whatever,” he sighed, shaking his head slightly. “I just… I think we both need air. Need to be away for a while. So we can… Put ourselves together. A lot has happened and… Maybe we hadn’t taken the time we needed to… I don’t know, think, maybe.”</p>
<p>The silence filled the room and Crowley moved eventually, straightening up and opening his eyes, still not looking at the angel before him.</p>
<p>“‘S fine,” Crowley almost whispered. “We’ve been doing this since forever. Always been more apart than near.”</p>
<p>“But… After everything, I thought… Things would’ve changed,” Aziraphale said with the faintest voice.</p>
<p>“Some did. You’re free. I am, as well,” Crowley answered. “The world will be safe for a few centuries, for sure. Isn’t that what we wanted?”</p>
<p>Crowley realized the venom inside him was starting to spill through his words, directed to Aziraphale, and he felt the urge to finish that conversation before hurting him more. Even after all, after having his heart broken by the angel once again, he was still at his feet. He was that pathetic, really.</p>
<p>Aziraphale, clearly, noticed. “What about ‘our side’?”</p>
<p>Crowley didn’t answer, not because he didn’t want to, but because didn’t want to risk being harsh to him now.</p>
<p>“Are you saying goodbye for good, Crowley?” Aziraphale breathed out after his prolonged lack of words, with a tone so broken that activated the demon’s body instantly.</p>
<p>He looked up, finding a pair of desperate blue eyes, blurred with heavy tears, wetting his round and flushed cheeks. Never before he’d seen the angel crying. Never that sorrowful. And it was just in the very moment when he couldn’t comfort him.</p>
<p>“No,” it was the only reassurance he could manage.</p>
<p>“Seems so.”</p>
<p>“I just need to be away for a while,” Crowley snapped, sensing the dam of his feelings start to shatter; it was time to scape. “To lick my wounds in peace. <em>Fuck</em>, angel… Let me. I’ll make you know that I’m fine, if it has to make you feel better, alright? I’ll send you a postcard or give you a missed; don’t know. Just… I need this now. I lent you the flat, if you want it. Won’t give it use for a while, anyway.”</p>
<p>Crowley walked past by Aziraphale, feeling his soul cracking more at every step he was taking, placing himself farther from the angel. He needed to. He really needed to, even if ended up killing him.</p>
<p>Before he could cross the hallway and grab his suitcase, the angel stopped him, following him quickly.</p>
<p>“Wait, please!” He begged but Crowley didn’t stop, picking up the suitcase, his back to him. “I’m begging you… Don’t leave this way. What I said, I regret it deeply, I…”</p>
<p>The dam broke. Crowley let go of the suitcase harshly, the thing making a thud that made the angel gasp, and he turned around fast, feeling a desperation and a despair that not even his sunglasses were able to mask.</p>
<p>“Wasn’t what you said, for fuck’s sake! You’ve rubbed on my face what I am and doubted me a millionth times before! I’m pretty used to it by now,” Crowley growled, his voice cracking terribly and Aziraphale froze when the demon approached, leaving a very brief space between them. “It was the way you looked at me that has fucked me up. You were scared. <em>Scared of me</em>. Of <em>me</em>! I’ve been looked that way since the start of time, a millionth times. I’ve caused fear, mistrust and reticence. I’m a demon; is my job, isn’t it? At least, it was. But I never wanted to be, not with you. Not in your eyes. Even if I needed to pretend to be demoniac, I never wanted you to look at me that way.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale’s lips parted slightly, his bottom one trembling, and then pressed them onto a thin line. Crowley could see he was shaking, that his hands were fidgeting before him nervously, and that his tears of sorrow were returning, falling. Holy water couldn’t hurt him as much as that situation, he was sure of it.</p>
<p>“When you’ve looked at me like that… I just… Can’t handle it. Really can’t. And you’re clever, angel. You know there’s more within me than I’ve dared to speak aloud. You have to. You sense those things. And maybe I’m a demon, but for sure your senses see through me as well. Don’t think my nature keeps you from <em>knowing</em>. So… You’ve to understand I need this. I don’t know how much time will took me to feel less…” He swallowed ‘<em>broken-hearted</em>’, trying to find a proper replacement, but nothing was truer than that. Instead, he sighed deeply. “‘M not going forever. We always meet again. And… This’ll be good. Maybe you need me away to heal properly. Maybe then we’ll be able to keep being around without our past influences still affecting. Consider this like that.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale was almost completely frozen. If tears weren’t still falling, Crowley would’ve thought he was a statue. Crowley closed his eyes tightly again. Getting ready to leave with that sight was worse than feeling so numb. He sighed, his gaze dropping to the floor when he opened his lids again. If he wasn’t looking, maybe it’d be easier to turn around and leave.</p>
<p>“Wrote a note for you. It’s on the table. I expressed myself better there than I’ve now, I think,” he murmured and turned slightly to grab his suitcase and lift it from the floor. “Take care, angel. Don’t go around getting in trouble.”</p>
<p>He received no response and opened the door, leaving his flat with the angel inside. He moved by pure muscle memory and, before he could realize, he was driving the Bentley towards the airport. A sob escaped him at some point and he clenched his hands around the wheel, unable to hold back the tears, aeons of suffering seeming to hit him all at once.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>6 months later</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For some reason, that night he’d snapped.</p>
<p>He could barely feel himself, absolutely hammered as he was. However, he was still angry, and needy, and fucking sad. He was so fucking melancholic it sickened him. And, even after scary amounts of alcohol and carrying a handsome young man he’d met at the club out to kiss him against his car, he still felt the uncanny sensation that had driven him to that situation.</p>
<p>It happened, sometimes. He hated it, but couldn’t cut it.</p>
<p>He always had been able to feel Aziraphale. Not with so much precision if they were that far away, although. Nevertheless, after their body-swap, that connection seemed to get stronger. Crowley hadn’t realized how strong it was until he’d been away from the angel and still sensed him as if he was there. He sensed his sadness, his loneliness, his regret… And it’d been driving him completely insane.</p>
<p>Crowley had chosen a very different place from London, hoping it’d help with keeping his memories away. He’d been living in a spacious and luminous flat by the beach in Ibiza. He hadn’t been in Spain for a very long time and knew perfectly that very spot was perfect to get shitfaced every night, if he needed to, and do a bit of mischief if stress got the better of him. It had been more fun when summer arrived, the place lighting up with more parties and new people coming and going constantly. Kept his mind occupied.</p>
<p>However, his mind also kept bringing up hurtful memories whenever it could and the ability to know how Aziraphale was feeling was making it very hard to get over everything. He was drunk more than sober and slept more than lived. He hoped that thing was one sided, that Aziraphale couldn’t sense the wreckage he was now. Maybe, if he kept himself numb or asleep, he wouldn’t, if he really could.</p>
<p>But, even completely drunk, he felt it. He felt it <em>all the time</em>. And as time passed, it got worse; it grew stronger. Crowley thought about going back, or calling him, or fucking drowning himself. He wanted to do something and do nothing at all. He laid pathetically on his bed, looking at the ocean most nights, feeling deplorable and very lonely. And numb.</p>
<p>After six months, sensing Aziraphale, very far away, still hurting, he couldn’t bear it anymore. He got out, let himself drop by any club he found first, and drank on a corner, hoping the loud music and the alcohol blocked Aziraphale’s feelings and his own. A young man approached him at some point, tried to flirt and before he could think about what he was doing, Crowley had him pressed against his car, kissing him, drowning in him aeons of frustration.</p>
<p>It had been very long since he had been with someone. Honestly, he only had been with humans —well, and with any other being— a couple of times. Didn’t feel much more pleasure than when he touched himself. And, even if wouldn’t admit not even to himself, he felt pretty bad after the intercourse ended. Like this time, he always had found a partner after a certain angel had broken his heart a little more. <em>What a demon</em>. He couldn’t believe himself sometimes.</p>
<p>So, there he was: kissing a stranger, in a strange town, feeling about to go mad. The man opened the door and they almost fell inside, stumbling. Crowley pressed himself against the man; everything felt wrong about him. His kisses started to be displeasing. His hands opening Crowley’s shirt too rough. His hands on his skin were unbearable. And Crowley felt Aziraphale more than ever, while being in the arms of another.</p>
<p>Suddenly, he was struck by a hard emotion, a mix of negative feelings making him shiver all over. There was so much hurt and regret in the angel all of a sudden... He felt him paining horribly. Aziraphale’s feelings possessed him, made his body twist and ache and he felt his wings shaking in another plane.</p>
<p>It was so strong Crowley thought Aziraphale was near. It had to be so, even if it made no sense.</p>
<p>He let go of the young man, getting out of his cheap car without even saying a thing to him, without caring if he was half undressed. He heard the man calling for him; Crowley didn’t turn, looking around while buttoning his shirt. In the middle of that parking lot, he realized it was impossible that Aziraphale was there. He felt utterly stupid. After all, he didn’t call him or sent him a message to let the angel know where he was. He hadn’t a way to know he was there.</p>
<p>Crowley dragged himself to his flat, let his body collapse on the bed, the stranger’s touch still ghosting over his skin. He wanted to throw up. He felt sick. However, for the first time, he felt brave enough to reach for his mobile, and call Aziraphale. He couldn’t bear the angel’s pain anymore. If he could do something about it, he had to try.</p>
<p>But he didn’t answer.</p>
<p>Crowley surrendered to his sorrow, falling into slumber and unable to avoid the tears as he was sucked into darkness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He didn’t wake up until the afternoon, with a huge hungover and wanting to die for various reasons. He miracled the headache away and almost drank half litre of water at once. However, he still sensed a strange feeling over his skin, which not even a shower had taken away. And, adding the sensation that, for some reason, that day being trapped in his flat was asphyxiating him, he ended up opting to go to the beach.</p>
<p>Sometimes, when alcohol and loud music didn’t do much, sun and salty water did the trick. He enjoyed it, as much as he could enjoy anything living with that despair. There was something calming in swimming, being rocked by the waves, and laying under the burning sunlight. And, fuck, he did need calmness.</p>
<p>However, after last night, he was detecting more the lust at his surroundings, mostly directed to him. At some point, it started to stress him out. He tied a few locks of his hair in a bun, which he had let grow through those months, and got up. He shook the sand off his towel without care, earning a few grunts from the people nearby when it fell on them, and placed it on his shoulder, starting to walk towards the nearest beach bar.</p>
<p>Sighing, he backed on the counter, waiting for the bartender to attend him. He greeted Crowley, already knowing him after a few months there, and asked for one of gin and tonic. He swallowed it at once and asked for another. The barman laughed, making a joke Crowley barely acknowledged and served him another with more gin.</p>
<p>It had been a while since he’d started to feel the angel stronger, just like the past night, and now it seemed even worse.</p>
<p>“I’ve never heard you speak Spanish before,” a voice reached him from behind. A very known voice.</p>
<p>Crowley breathed out, startled, turning around to meet a soft blue gaze, painted with crushing nerves.</p>
<p>“Aziraphale,” Crowley whispered. “What…?”</p>
<p>“I didn’t know you could speak it so well,” he added with a faint smile, this trembling little.</p>
<p>He felt his knees going weak and was glad to have the counter to back himself on. Aside from not fucking knowing how it was possible for the angel to be there, he was about to fall at the sight of him, wearing a loose shirt and Bermuda shorts. Never before he’d seen him in anything that didn’t scream <em>classy</em> and <em>stuck in time</em>. The whole image was messing terribly with his senses.</p>
<p>“W-what are you…” Crowley babbled pathetically. “Doing here?”</p>
<p>Aziraphale looked down then, just for a moment, clearly being eaten by restlessness. “Looking for you, actually.”</p>
<p>“For me?”</p>
<p>He nodded. “I-I won’t bother you, I promise,” he said right away, sadness climbing to his gaze. “You said you’d call or write but… I didn’t receive anything and I was worried for you. I needed to know you were alright and… Just see you once.”</p>
<p>Crowley’s chest clenched, because he knew. He knew how the angel had been feeling, every minute since they parted. “How have you found me?”</p>
<p>“There’s a few places you said you wanted to visit soon and… I thought you’d be in one of them,” he explained, looking away, embarrassed.</p>
<p>It was true. In one of their drunken conversations, he had listed a few. However, they had been random and not listed by preference. There was only a way to find him considering what the angel was implying and it made Crowley understand why he’d been feeling the angel’s hurt increasing.</p>
<p>“Don’t tell me you’ve been searching in all of them,” he managed to mutter.</p>
<p>He fidgeted, more nervous. “Was the only way since… You weren’t answering the phone.”</p>
<p>“<em>For someone’s sake</em>, angel,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes, the headache returning slightly. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”</p>
<p>“This is just the fifth. I haven’t been in all of them,” he explained, unsettled.</p>
<p>“As if that made it better,” Crowley said, rougher than he intended, looking at him. He was feeling like shit right now.</p>
<p>Aziraphale’s expression saddened and he tilted his head down, averting Crowley’s covered eyes.</p>
<p>“Just needed to know you were alright. I’ve been… Sensing weird things since the swapping and… I didn’t know if it was because of you or it was me and…And I just needed to know.”</p>
<p>Crowley didn’t feel able to say a word. He just kept looking at the angel, coming to terms with the fact that he was right there, in front of him, admitting he could sense him as well. Although, it seemed Crowley could sense him in a stronger way, or point it out better.</p>
<p>Then, he realized how strong he felt the angel last night, similar to how he felt him now, and he felt his body froze, even if the heat was crushing around them.</p>
<p>“When did you arrive?” Crowley asked, his voice unstable already.</p>
<p>Aziraphale hesitated. “Yesterday.”</p>
<p>“Yesterday, when?” He pushed, but only received a nervous expression to his question and the perfected sense of the angel’s nerves boiling up inside him. “You already found me yesterday, right?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he admitted, ashamed.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t come then?” Crowley was fearing the answer and already cursing himself internally.</p>
<p>“You were… Quite occupied at the moment,” he admitted, his cheeks blushing slightly.</p>
<p>“<em>Shit</em>,” he blurted out, drinking the rest of his drink. “Please, tell me it wasn’t at the parking lot.”</p>
<p>He tilted his head a little, not looking at him, the memory clearly written in his eyes. “That would be lying, dear, I’m afraid.”</p>
<p>Crowley growled, putting the glass down on the counter a bit harshly. <em>Perfect</em>.</p>
<p>“I won’t steal anymore time from you,” Aziraphale rushed to say. “Wouldn’t even thought of disturbing your retirement if it wasn’t… It’s selfish from me after what happened to demand anything but… I certainly couldn’t go on without knowing you were safe.”</p>
<p>“‘S fine,” Crowley answered before his heart broke even more at the angel mumbling. “I should’ve warned you. But you really didn’t need to search for me. I’d have called you or somethin’ at some point. I called you last night, in fact. But obviously you weren’t at the bookshop to answer.”</p>
<p>He looked up again, surprised by his words. “You… Called me?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he sighed.</p>
<p>“W-Why?”</p>
<p>Crowley shrugged his shoulders, not able to give the true answer to that. Honestly, he was glad that he didn’t answer, deep down. It’d have been a mess of a call, mostly filled with Crowley crying and being overall sad.</p>
<p>He knew more time would’ve passed until he felt ready to face the angel again. The wounds were still open and fresh and six months had done little to heal them. Nevertheless, he’d also missed the angel, deeply, and with him right there, he felt unable to let him go just like that. Crowley was aware that returning so willingly to the angel every time he hurt him was destroying him more quickly than slowly; sometimes, he didn’t care.</p>
<p>“Since you’re here, maybe… We could have dinner. Together, I mean,” Crowley said. “If you want to.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale’s eyes lighted up with hope. “Of course.”</p>
<p>Crowley’s heart soared, getting out for a moment of the cage of sadness that was trapped in. “I know a few restaurants around here that will be of your liking,” he added, paying the bartender and guiding the angel out of the beach bar. “But, if you don’t mind, I’d want to take a shower and change before. I don’t think they let me in like this.”</p>
<p>“Certainly not,” the angel muttered, giving him a brief look sideways.</p>
<p>“My flat is right here,” he said when they arrived at promenade by the beach, tilting his head towards one of the buildings there. “You can come up, if you like.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale seemed nervous, but nodded anyway, and followed him.</p>
<p>“Where are your standards, by the way?” He said, smirking unavoidably, giving a little glance to his clothes when they reached the front door.</p>
<p>“Oh, shush,” the angel muttered, blushing.</p>
<p>Crowley laughed softly and opened the door. He was surprised by how calm he felt now. Maybe it was because this was known; it was their dance. Arguing or parting, meeting again, Crowley approaching and acting nonchalant about whatever happened between them before, reaching for the angel and Aziraphale for him as well.</p>
<p>However, when the door of his flat closed, the nerves hit him all at once. This was not their usual dance. This was not the same. Nothing was like had been before.</p>
<p>“I won’t take long,” Crowley said, barely looking at him. “Make yourself comfortable.”</p>
<p>He left the angel behind, in the living room, and rushed towards his bedroom, closing himself inside the bathroom. He showered, trying to collect himself, to stop shaking and loosen the tightness of his throat.</p>
<p>He got out eventually, dressed with his usual trousers and a simple black t-shirt, bun made and glasses on place, appearing by the living room with slow movements, searching for the angel. Aziraphale was on the little balcony, looking at the sea, the light of the approaching twilight caressing his figure, making him look even more ethereal. Crowley was frozen in place, heart beating wildly and unable to take his gaze away.</p>
<p>The angel turned to him then, slowly. “You’ve a nice place,” he said, trying a little smile.</p>
<p>“‘S not bad, I guess,” Crowley approached him slowly, backing on the frame of the window, staring at him with caution.</p>
<p>Aziraphale kept his eyes on his as well and he couldn’t avoid noticing how utter sadness appeared in them, at the same time a broken feeling reverberated through him, shaking Crowley inside.</p>
<p>“Don’t look at me like that,” he muttered, feeling his body deflating.</p>
<p>“How?” Aziraphale whispered.</p>
<p>“Like <em>that</em>,” Crowley insisted, half sorrowful, half exasperated.</p>
<p>“I just… thought that… Maybe I’d never see you again,” he added brokenly, his brow twisting with a pained expression.</p>
<p>“Oh, come on,” he breathed out. “I said I’d be coming back. And that’s pretty improbable, let me say.”</p>
<p>“Wasn’t sure after… Everything,” he looked towards the ocean again, the tears on the edge of his eyes more visible with the light caressing them now. “The letter was… Rather charged with…”</p>
<p>“Can we not talk about this now?” He sighed tiredly, cutting him off. He remembered every word of the letter and had been regretting writing it for a while. He got too sentimental.</p>
<p>“Why have you invited me over, then?”</p>
<p>“For dinner,” Crowley snapped.</p>
<p>“Then, we’re going to pretend as if nothing happened,” Aziraphale muttered.</p>
<p>“Didn’t say that. I can’t, but you’re here and I won’t let you leave just like that, not after you put yourself out to search for me.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale gave him a pained look and averted his eyes once more, his brow furrowing with sorrow. “So,” he whispered, barely, “if it wasn’t for that… You wouldn’t have my company.”</p>
<p>“You’re getting things out of context,” Crowley blurted out. “You know why I left. Wasn’t because I didn’t enjoy your company. I just needed to put myself together. Both of us needed to.”</p>
<p>“You’re being soft now,” Aziraphale said and the four-letter word made Crowley cringe a little, but didn’t show it. “Clearly, the fault was mine.”</p>
<p>Crowley sighed again, feeling the wounds of his heart opening more. “We are really talking about this now, aren’t we?”</p>
<p>“I won’t push you,” he mumbled, sadness radiating through his voice.</p>
<p>“A little late for that,” Crowley snapped and walked away from the angel for a moment, getting into the kitchen and serving whisky in two tumblers. Once he returned to the melancholic angel, he gave it one to him. “Fine. Start.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale looked unsure as he leaned against the balcony, drinking without resting his eyes on him.</p>
<p>“I’m so very sorry, Crowley,” Aziraphale muttered brokenly, drink untouched in his grip, watering eyes on him. “I never meant to hurt you like this.”</p>
<p>“I know. We already went through this,” he swallowed the rest of his drink and miracled the bottle in his hand, already suspecting he would need it closer. He served himself again. “I know it’s not because <em>of me</em>, exactly. Heaven still has a tight grip on you and I… I am what I am; can’t change it.”</p>
<p>The angel let out a soft sigh, full of tiredness and sorrow, and Crowley turned to him, breaking a little more at how close to tears Aziraphale was. “I’ve been thinking a lot about us a-and… And I realized how many times I’ve hurt you and… Pushed you away… I know you never said so, but I did; I’m aware I did. And I wish I could blame Heaven for all of them, for making me foolish but… The words came out of me, either way, and you didn’t deserve such treatment.”</p>
<p>Crowley exhaled shudderingly, closing his eyes for a moment before drowning another glass of whisky. He served the third.</p>
<p>“I miss you, dear,” the angel admitted, so brokenly it made Crowley feel he was about to discorporate. “I miss you every day and can’t bear having you away with how things ended. I want to… Amend what I did.”</p>
<p>“Angel,” Crowley said, a bit sternly, and saw sideways how Aziraphale deflated. “‘M not ready. You’re not ready. If your perspective is still that, I can’t be close. Wouldn’t do any of us any favour.”</p>
<p>“I won’t hurt you again; I’m promising you. I-I’m trying to explain... Since you went away I… Everything…” Aziraphale furrowed sadly, the words seeming to escape from his mind in all directions, not getting anything clear out of his mouth. “This… It won’t happen again. I’ll never doubt you again. Not even for a second.”</p>
<p>Crowley looked down to his tumbler, his throat closing painfully.</p>
<p>“I just… Want to let you know I’m… Liberated now, from that vision. I understand you’re still hurt and I won’t… I won’t pressure you into returning. But, you’ve to be aware that I’ll be waiting, until you want to, if you do, sometime,” the angel babbled, shrugging into himself, almost sounding as if he was about to start crying. He breathed in, cracking a little smile. “You seem to have settled here, anyway.”</p>
<p>He swallowed the third tumbler, already feeling the alcohol affecting him, and left the glass and the bottle on the floor, turning around to back his arms on the railing. The sunset was starting, bright yellows and oranges painting the surroundings. However, Crowley felt deeply dull, and uttermost conflict inside. He wanted to give in, but there was too much still pushing him back. And, curiously, it was when he was feeling more open, no more gates between his feelings and the angel. Considering how things were, it didn’t matter anymore.</p>
<p>“All I ever wanted was having our side,” Crowley admitted. “Not this. Never this. I don’t want it now, even after all.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale kept his mouth shut, but Crowley sensed the waves of alarm that were coming from his feelings. His heart shattered more and he went on.</p>
<p>“The way you looked at me that day… Scared, of me… It was worse than any moment you’ve rejected, doubted or pushed me away. That, was the only thing I can’t handle,” he said, feeling his own eyes dampening. “I can handle everything else, but not that. It didn’t matter what we were, because, either way, it was us. Our side. I didn’t care about how you wanted me, meanwhile you did. But that moment was like a fucking slap on my face. It…” Crowley clenched his teeth. “Broke me. Didn’t think anything could do that, after thinking you dead in hellfire, but guess I was wrong.”</p>
<p>“Crowley…” Aziraphale sobbed softly.</p>
<p>Crowley turned towards him, fixing his eyes on his blurry ones, about to spill the tears he was holding back. “I self-loathed myself for a very long time, you know? But you always looked at me as if I was just… Me… Even if you’re words said another thing. That’s why I could handle whatever you said or did. And, when you looked at me as if I wasn’t anymore me, but just a demon, I… <em>Couldn’t</em>. Can’t. I don’t mind if any other being stares at me that way. But you… You’re the only thing that has really mattered for me and… I lost you that moment, in a way I didn’t think I could. And that’s something I can’t fix.”</p>
<p>“No,” Aziraphale uttered, voice shaking, and approached Crowley a little, almost seeming to want to place his hands on him, grabbing the railing hard instead. “That’s not true. I’m still your friend. You didn’t lose me. I… I was just confused and… But you’re the same to me.”</p>
<p>“That’s the problem; I’ve been telling you: I <em>can’t</em> be the same to you,” Crowley furrowed, holding back the need to turn into a snake and slither away. “‘Til you can’t separate what I am from who I am…” Crowley turned to fix his eyes on the sea again. “There’s nothing more to talk about.”</p>
<p>“I have. I promise. <em>Please, trust me</em>,” he almost yelled, desperate. “I’ll never disappoint you again that way. These months without you have been horrible and made me realize so many things… You’ve always been my constant, and when you left, I thought… You wouldn’t come back because I treated you so badly.”</p>
<p>The crack in his voice made Crowley flinch, but turned around fast when a sob reached his eardrums. Aziraphale had covered his face with his hands, trying to suppress the tears and cries that clearly wanted to come out and made his muscles shake with effort.</p>
<p>“Angel, come on,” Crowley whispered with a voice full of pain.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry…”</p>
<p>Crowley sighed, clenching his jaw and, having a momentary crisis if he should cross a few boundaries, he reached for the angel, trapping him in a full hug. Aziraphale held onto him as if he was a lifeline, destabilizing him, surprised by such reaction, and shivered all over when the angel hid his face against his shoulder, sobbing openly. His heart bled at the angel’s suffering; however, he couldn’t help a little happiness, a little relief, at feeling the angel between his arms. They had never been that close, never hugged, and what a liar he’d be if said he was enjoying himself a little too much considering the situation.</p>
<p>“‘S alright,” Crowley said, closing his eyes, caught by the closeness of his friend. “I believe you. I’ll come back to London.”</p>
<p>He’d thought that would make the angel happy, that he’d stop crying. However, Aziraphale trembled harder in his embrace, fingers gripping the back of his shirt tightly, and cried soundly.</p>
<p>“H-Hey, Aziraphale…” Crowley babbled, completely lost. “Don’t cry more. I…”</p>
<p>Crowley realized there was nothing he could say to soothe the angel’s pain, so he just stayed there, hugging him through it, ignoring how much it hurt to see him that way. He wondered if it really had been necessary to leave, if that was the outcome. However, he knew it had been. Otherwise, maybe Aziraphale would be still struggling with past concepts. And Crowley wanted to believe that was beyond him now, that Aziraphale could accept him fully. He wanted to give in and let his own wounds heal, but while being beside the angel.</p>
<p>Eventually, Aziraphale went quiet, but didn’t pull away. Crowley felt how soaked his shirt was; didn’t mind at all.</p>
<p>“Feel better?” Crowley whispered.</p>
<p>He gave a little nod. “I shouldn’t be the one being consoled,” he muttered.</p>
<p>“Of course that you should. I know… You haven’t had it easy after everything that happened, faith lost and all. I expected a little trouble, at some point. Though… I underestimated my own state,” he admitted, sighing. “Wish I could’ve stayed but… I really think this was the right thing to do.”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Aziraphale mumbled.</p>
<p>“Doesn’t matter. Everything is fine now,” Crowley said, trying to sound as soothing as he could, and pulled Aziraphale away, just a little, even if his own body protested at the self-imposed distance. The angel looked down, clearly ashamed, with his face reddish and cheeks still wet. “Let’s have that dinner and tomorrow we’ll head to London.”</p>
<p>“What about… All this?” He whispered, voice rough, and looked towards the flat. “About what you have here?”</p>
<p>“It was temporary. All of it. Didn’t expect to stick around forever.”</p>
<p>“And… What about the man of yesterday?”</p>
<p>Crowley sensed his being crushed hard by an invisible hand. “Was nothing, really. Didn’t even end up doing anything. I left when I felt you. It was so strong I thought that maybe… You were around.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale turned around in a fast motion and Crowley realized what he had said, once he faced two surprised, very wide blue eyes.</p>
<p>“What?” The angel gasped.</p>
<p>He felt cold sweat beading on his nape. “I-I can… Feel you too.”</p>
<p>The angel froze right away, staring at him with a puzzled expression. For a second, Crowley thought he would collapse.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry for… Knowing how you felt and don’t come back or call, at least,” he rushed to explain. “Still needed time and…”</p>
<p>“Since when can you…?” The words died on his tongue, voice barely a whisper.</p>
<p>“Guess that since the body-swap but… I only realized how strong it was after leaving and feeling you still.”</p>
<p>“So… All these months…”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Crowley muttered when the angel’s voice died down.</p>
<p>Aziraphale averted his eyes. Even so, he could see the conflict and the nervousness in them. After a few seconds charged with chocking tension, the angel furrowed slightly, seemingly worried, and turned his face to him again.</p>
<p>“And… W-What did you feel exactly? How… Was it?” He asked, surprising Crowley. He’d expected anger or outrage, for knowing he was suffering and doing nothing.</p>
<p>“I just…” Crowley wanted to be swallowed down by earth, before going on with that conversation; however, he couldn’t deny the angel now. “Don’t really know, angel. Maybe I just felt the bad things; demonic sense and all that. Everything was pretty gloomy and… Painful,” he admitted with a little voice, feeling his heart crumble.</p>
<p>Aziraphale swallowed nervously. “Nothing else?”</p>
<p>“Nope.”</p>
<p>“Well,” he smiled a little, his expression completely forced. “Not that there’s been much more.”</p>
<p>Crowley couldn’t stand the sadness of it all. It was coming to him with too much intensity now, more even than when he’d been crying on his shoulder for who knows how long. He had to reassure the angel, no matter how.</p>
<p>“Come on,” Crowley said, desperate to do something. “Enough of this now. Everything’s alright. Let’s have that dinner.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale agreed, tried to put a more joyful expression on his face. He changed his clothes to more formal ones, before leaving the flat, which made the demon roll his eyes fondly, but made his heart weak with emotion at the white shirt and light trousers that he wore now. Now he looked more like himself.</p>
<p>They walked along the promenade, making small talk and mostly looking at the humans around and the colourful little shops they passed by. Aziraphale seemed engrossed by the whole bunch of new stimulations around him; Crowley could feel a faint rush of confusion and amusement through him. He was sure the angel hadn’t been in a place like that lately, with so many youngsters lightly dressed, all talking very different languages and coming and going constantly from one leisure spot to another. There were crews of friends eating ice cream or drinking at the beach bars, families dining at the restaurants there or buying useless but colourful souvenirs, and couples of all ages enjoying the vespertine hours of summer. The place was certainly loved; Crowley couldn’t feel it, not really, but he knew.</p>
<p> However, he could feel the angel and, while walking him towards the restaurant he had in mind, Crowley discovered he could feel not only his negative emotions. For a few moments, it felt as if somebody had punched him on the gut, knocking the air out of him. He was used to feeling dark emotions; he’d been sensing the angel’s since forever. Nonetheless, discovering he could intrude in his positive ones made him feel as if he was violating his privacy, kind of.</p>
<p>Crowley and Aziraphale sat on a little table of a restaurant settled on the beach, faintly illuminated and with the waves sounding very near and the salty breeze caressing them, the night slowly falling over them as the dinner went on. Crowley watched the angel eat while sipping the wine he’d ordered, and was immensely happy to be able to do that again. He almost forgot the reason why they were so far away from what they’d called home for two centuries, enjoying his company too much to care now. He’d been wounded when that day had started; it seemed so far away suddenly. And Crowley could feel Aziraphale good mood increasing, happiness and relief filling him, and he’d be a liar if said he wasn’t enjoying sensing that now.</p>
<p>After dinner, Crowley suggested taking a walk by the shore, now the night had settled and there were stars hanging from the sky, the beach alluringly dark and intimate. Aziraphale accepted, although pouted a little about his shoes getting soiled and Crowley, smirking, ended up carrying them in his hands while the angel walked barefoot by his side.</p>
<p>They crossed paths with some groups of youngsters drinking by the shore, caring very little about the police coming after them for it and couples making out carelessly by the water. Crowley smiled slyly while the angel seemed a little uncomfortable, probably feeling some reminiscence of the lust and mischief Crowley sensed.</p>
<p>“We could do that too,” Crowley said when they were far from anyone else and laughed softly when the angel tensed up and felt his alarmed state. “Sit here and drink, I mean.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Aziraphale muttered and a bit of redness seemed to have taken over his face, but the dull moonlight didn’t help discerning it. Crowley arched a brow waiting for a response, and he just nodded slightly.</p>
<p>A blanket and a bottle of wine appeared miraculously before them when Crowley snapped his fingers. They sat, a brief distance between their bodies. Aziraphale was sitting too straight, considering they were practically sitting on sand. Crowley just splayed, as always, tilting his body backwards and backing on his elbows, watching the soft curls of the angel from behind, slowly caressed by the soft wind of the night. He swallowed dryly, feeling too hot all of a sudden, and opened the bottle of wine, taking a sip and drowning the need of touching the angel, pass his hands through his hair, caress him like the world was about to end again.</p>
<p>Instead, he just stared; always stared. Being there again, with him, was everything; he firmly believed so.</p>
<p>“This is not allowed, isn’t it?” Aziraphale said a little guiltily when Crowley handed him the bottle, turning around a little to grab it, and averted his eyes strangely fast from the demon.</p>
<p>“Nope,” Crowley declared happily. “Everybody does it, though.”</p>
<p>“I’ve seen that,” Aziraphale took a long sip.</p>
<p>“They’re just having fun,” Crowley growled. “‘S not <em>that</em> bad, to have police chasing them for it.”</p>
<p>“There’s a reason for those kinds of laws,” he said, a little alarmed. “What… What if they get very drunk and decide to get in the water and… Somebody drowns?”</p>
<p>“Natural selection,” he shrugged his shoulders, stretching a hand to demand the bottle.</p>
<p>Aziraphale turned around, looking daggers at him, which only made the demon grin. “<em>Fine</em>,” he sighed and snapped his fingers, grabbing the bottle again after the gesture. “There you go. Nobody getting themselves stupidly killed in the water tonight. Calmer?”</p>
<p>The angel let go of the bottle, expression still disturbed, but Crowley saw a little of a smirk on his lips when he turned again to fix his gaze on the water.</p>
<p>They stayed there, hearing a mix of music from behind them and the waves in front, bathed by the moonlight, and there was so much pace both of them were almost overwhelmed. After a while in silence, Aziraphale slightly turned to Crowley, looking at him over his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Crowley?”</p>
<p>“Hmm?” He said, a little giddy now.</p>
<p>“These months I… I’ve been thinking very thoughtfully about a thing you said,” Aziraphale said very softly, almost unsure.</p>
<p>When he felt the huge nervousness increasing in the angel, Crowley decided to sit straight, both of them at the same height, and, even if he did it very slowly, Aziraphale seemed just as much startled. He sighed, averting Crowley’s covered eyes.</p>
<p>“What?” Crowley demanded in a little voice, getting nervous as well.</p>
<p>“Y-You said,” Aziraphale started, stuttering a little, hands already fidgeting on his lap, “there was something more you felt you couldn’t say aloud.”</p>
<p>Crowley felt his throat tighten, but didn’t make a reaction, didn’t show it, even if his insides ignited.</p>
<p>“And?” He said finally, when the angel went completely quiet.</p>
<p>Aziraphale turned his body ever so slightly, sad, worried eyes on him now, and, even so, there was realization in them. At the sight, Crowley knew. He knew Aziraphale <em>knew</em>. He was desperately in love with the angel and Aziraphale had sensed it, or figured out at last; maybe both.</p>
<p>For a second, he was utterly afraid that, once again, his brief moment of happiness would be shattered, when something changed. He felt as if a big and warm blanket had slowly fallen over him, covering his whole being, physical and spiritual, and wrapped him with a feeling close to Her love. However, this one was more huge, unfiltered, personal… Because it seemed directed only to Crowley.</p>
<p>After a few seconds, he realized it was a feeling coming from the angel and he froze, not knowing what to do, what he was exactly sensing. It seemed…</p>
<p>“I don’t know how to put this…” Aziraphale admitted. “It’s been… So long.”</p>
<p>Crowley tried to manage words, but he uttered kind of a strangled sound, before he could speak something coherent. “What you mean?”</p>
<p>“There’s always been a warm feeling around me, since the very start, since Eden,” Aziraphale started. “I’ve always known it was love. I didn’t know where it came from, however. Thought it was coming from humanity but... Sometimes it was weaker and…” He furrowed sadly. “I haven’t been able to spot the pattern until… You willingly left my side.”</p>
<p>Completely puzzled, sensing another wave of loneliness and sadness coming from Aziraphale, Crowley listened carefully, trying to keep up with the situation.</p>
<p>“You never went away because you really wanted or needed to. I’ve always pushed you and… When you left six months ago, something blue and cold and very, very sad fell upon me,” he admitted with a little voice, breaking slightly as he uttered every word. Crowley knew it was loneliness, what he was describing, but couldn’t mutter it, caught up as he was. “That’s why, even if you said you’d be back, I doubted you would. Never… I’ve never felt that. And… I realized that the whole time it was you what I sensed. Your… <em>Feelings</em>. And, suddenly, that warmness was completely gone.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale dropped his eyes between them, slowly crystalizing with tears, lower lip trembling slightly.</p>
<p>“You’ve been very patient with me through the thousands of years, dear…” He went on, his tone already sounding watery. “You’ve been waiting and… Always returning to me even if I hurt you and I don’t think I deserve that. So… If that warmness is gone forever, I assume it’s my fault completely. I know… It’s not totally gone but… Maybe, what you said you were holding back is and…”</p>
<p>“Angel,” Crowley stopped him, sighing heavily when the words of the angel died down, unable to handle so much pain verbalised and sensed internally. “You’re overthinking again.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale didn’t look up; he seemed to be focusing all his energy in not crying again, in not making his lips tremble more. Crowley clenched his teeth, feeling his chest tightening. He’d been keeping the truth unverbalized since forever, but he’d face whatever consequences came with speaking it now, if it made the angel stop his self-loathing. He couldn’t handle seeing him that way and, maybe that brief hope he was feeling was a misconception of what was happening, but he was ready to take a risk once more.</p>
<p>“What do you want to know?” Crowley started slow, not wanting, neither for him or Aziraphale, to do this too fast. “If it was me? If it’s still there…?”</p>
<p>“Both,” Aziraphale breathed out.</p>
<p>Crowley inhaled deeply, carefully placing one of his hands between them, on the blanket, just in case Aziraphale wanted to grab it for comfort, or whatever.</p>
<p>“Was probably me, the feeling, I mean. You see… It’s been like this since the very start. Since we met,” he admitted and Aziraphale looked up, surprise and sadness mixing in his blue eyes. “It took me a while to know, to properly put a name on it, though. ‘M a demon; not supposed to feel that kind of way. You know, all that… So, it was very much confusing for me back then. And, well… <em>That</em> never stopped. It increased impossibly, in fact. Couldn’t control it. And… And yes, it’s true that I’ve hoped maybe, one day, it could be more, it could be something between you and me, but… Just hoped. I’ve been content with just our relationship like it is. I’d let you call this fraternizing forever if that meant having you around; I don’t really hurt anymore about that, after thinking you dead.”</p>
<p>He took another deep breath, averting the astonished eyes of the angel, feeling very conflicted about not looking him in the eye while admitting the clear truth at last, but he knew he wouldn’t if he didn’t.</p>
<p>“If you want to know if it’s still there, after all… Let me tell you: I-I don’t think this is very exact… You’re much more to me than… What human words can really say but…” Crowley tried to inhale, but barely could. This was <em>unbelievably</em> hard. “I’ve been in love with you since almost the very start. I still am. And I think I’ll be forever. You have a <em>very tight</em> angelic grip on me. It’s damn annoying,” he tried to joke, putting an annoyed tone along with it, turning towards the angel again, trying to smile slyly.</p>
<p>Crowley hadn’t time to expect a reaction or even see the reaction at his confession on the angel’s face. All he felt was a very, very brief warm and slightly wet feeling colliding against his lips. Before he could appreciate it, it was gone, and froze him. His brain malfunctioned, giving him the realization that he’d been kissed too many seconds after.</p>
<p>“I-I-I apologize,” Aziraphale stuttered, alarmed. “I should’ve asked first.”</p>
<p>“Wait,” Crowley blinked once, petrified, his thoughts becoming a mess. “W-What?”</p>
<p>“Dear, I…” The angel seemed to want to escape flying. “I’ve… Been too, in love with you for quite a while now.”</p>
<p>“How… Long?” His ears were buzzing. Was he dreaming? He had to be dreaming.</p>
<p>“A few centuries, maybe, but… I didn’t realize until… The church and the books and… Yes, that night,” he was blushing now and Crowley felt he was about to discorporate.</p>
<p>“You’re kidding,” Crowley breathed out.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Aziraphale whined apologetically. “I couldn’t… I wasn’t ready and…”</p>
<p>“‘S not what I meant,” he stopped him before he jumped onto the train of guilt again. “Just… Give me a second.”</p>
<p>Crowley slowly let himself lay on his back, over the blanket, and rose up his glasses to cover his eyes with his hand. His head was spinning, and wasn’t because of the alcohol at all. He was feeling awfully sober, in fact. Had he sobered up without meaning to? Maybe. His brain hurt and his heart was doing weird things, beating completely out of control.</p>
<p>“C-Crowley?” He heard the angel saying his name, unsure.</p>
<p>“Can occult beings have a heart attack?” He asked huskily.</p>
<p>“Are you alright?” Aziraphale sounded genuinely alarmed and it made Crowley laugh.</p>
<p>“‘M fine. Well… I think so,” he tittered.</p>
<p>“Will you, please, sit up, then? I’ll collapse myself if you don’t,” the angel begged and, Crowley, always compliant, did just that, reclining with a soft grunt and putting his glasses on place again.</p>
<p>They looked at each other in silence, both nervous and not knowing what the hell say or do.</p>
<p>“Can you take your glasses off?” He asked, almost begging.</p>
<p>Crowley tensed up, a hurtful memory coming to him, and he looked towards the sea again. “I rather not.”</p>
<p>“Why? You haven’t taken them off yet since I arrived. Not even in private. Why that now?”</p>
<p>“Uncanny,” he just answered, with a little whisper, and felt panging guilt in the angel at the very moment the word left his mouth; he regretted opening his damned mouth right away.</p>
<p>“I don’t… Think that. Never have,” Aziraphale said right away. “They’re beautiful, Crowley; for me. Believe me.”</p>
<p>Crowley looked at him again, a weight that he’d been carrying for months being lifted at last. He slid his glasses off and hung them on the neck of his shirt. Aziraphale smiled nervously at the sight, but Crowley sensed the relief in him.</p>
<p>“What now?” Crowley asked, finally, when the silence fell over them again.</p>
<p>“What do you want?” He whispered, uncertain.</p>
<p>“That one’s easy,” he smiled softly. “Rather let you decide. I’ve been aware of this for longer and… I don’t want to be too fast.”</p>
<p>“God, Crowley…” The angel muttered sadly. “How many hurtful things I’ve said to you?”</p>
<p>“A few,” he admitted, cursing inside. He wanted to move on fast to whatever they ended up deciding, so he’d stop saying wrong shit in such pivotal moment.</p>
<p>Aziraphale pouted a little and his eyes dropped. He took a deep breath and, when his blue eyes met his yellowish again, Crowley felt both their souls lighting up. “Maybe we could figure it out together, as we go,” Aziraphale said softly although his tone made obvious that he already had something in mind.</p>
<p>“Ngk… ‘Kay,” Crowley gulped, nervous as hell. This was <em>ridiculous</em>.</p>
<p>Aziraphale’s gaze half-closed, a brief hint of blue watching him from a brief distance, and the angel’s warm hand interlaced with the one he had over the blanket. Crowley shivered all over, letting out a soft gasp, instantly grabbing it tighter, and dropped his eyes for a second there. When his eyes met the angel’s again, both had leaned towards the other, barely conscious they were getting closer. Aziraphale’s breath caressed his lips, lighting up his whole body with furious warmness, with a need that screamed loudly and that had been repressed for too long.</p>
<p>“I want…” Aziraphale breathed out, but his voice broke, a little gasp escaping him as well. “Kiss me, Crowley, <em>please</em>.”</p>
<p>And, Crowley, complied, more willing than he’d even been to comply with anything.</p>
<p>He rose his free hand to the angel’s face, caressing his cool cheek with his fingertips, ever so gently, his skin tingling at the contact. He’d been dreaming of touching him like that for an eternity and he’d make every second count now he could. Crowley softly placed his palm there, cupping his face, fingers slightly touching behind his ear and the line of his hair. Aziraphale gasped again, almost whining, and Crowley trembled, risking the grip of their hands to cup both sides of his face.</p>
<p>His thumbs traced his cheekbones with supreme softness, while he looked into the depths of love shown in the angel’s eyes. That was for him. Aziraphale loved him that deeply, that intensely. He couldn’t believe it, even if now he was feeling it all over him, so he needed to look, to stare a little bit more. He needed to memorize the angel’s expression of openness, of desperation for a touch —<em>for his touch</em>—, as if it was the first and last time he was seeing it. And, then, Aziraphale emitted a soft whimper, eyes blurring with tears, and his desperation hit the demon, hit him with hard realization. And he crossed the distance of six thousand years.</p>
<p>Crowley pressed his lips against his, softly, so very softly, and chased that brief warmness he’d felt a few minutes ago. He wanted to be so slow, enjoy ever second… He kissed him, not being able to contain a whimper —why deny it— at the first touch of their lips, trembling harder at the soft, warm feeling of the angel’s mouth. He captured his lips with gentleness, tasting the scent of the only love he’d ever known and wanted to know, intoxicated, enchanted by it already. Aziraphale parted his lips instantly, giving him space, an invitation he took without hesitating.</p>
<p>When Crowley caressed the lower lip of the angel with his already forked tongue —the only thing that was escaping from his control— and went on searching inside his mouth, the slowness vanished suddenly. When their tongues met, Aziraphale produced a sound between a whimper and a grunt, and suddenly his face was being cupped hard, the angel kissing him desperately. After that, his body was fired up with a mix of pleasure, passion and love he was unsure it could handle without imploding. Aziraphale started to move his mouth over him with crushing desire, biting his lower lip, ripping every moan from the demon he could, licking inside his mouth and driving his hands to grip his hair, his neck, his shoulders, and everything all over again, as if he wanted to grab all of him at once. And Crowley gave in, gave in <em>so willingly</em>.</p>
<p>They broke the kiss at some point —who knows when—, keeping their eyes closed, noses and foreheads touching, gasps mingling between the few inches between their mouths. Crowley, trying to pull himself together after the events, kept very quiet, afraid to burst the bubble they were in, just in case that was just another dream of his. He continued caressing Aziraphale’s cheeks with his thumbs, sensing the hotness of his skin now. The soft grip of the angel’s fingers on his hair grounded him, but he couldn’t control the emotions from increasing his trembling; although, he didn’t care much now, since Aziraphale was obviously trembling too.</p>
<p>“Crowley…” Aziraphale sighed, full voice of raw emotion.</p>
<p>“Hmm?” It was the only thing he could manage; he didn’t trust his voice much now.</p>
<p>“I…” He gasped again and made a pause, his fingers tightening on his hair, pulling him closer, lips almost touching again. “I love you.”</p>
<p>He pulled away too abruptly, Aziraphale looking at him, startled at first, slowly falling into worry. Crowley saw it and, during the first instants, he couldn’t move. Just stare, the words ringing with sweet violence in his ears. He’d been longing for just a brief fragment of what was being handed to him in that very moment. He’d fucking went feral inside in their way back to London, after the Armageddon’t, when the angel had interlaced their hands and kept them that way for the whole ride. And now he was saying that he loved Crowley, so openly, so… Real.</p>
<p>His body reacted first, much before his brain could process something similar enough of a thought. His mouth searched the angel’s again, capturing him in another kiss, deprived of slowness. Still trying to be careful enough, he poured six millennia of longing, love, desire, desperation and incredible amounts of adoration in the gesture. His teeth claimed his lower lip, searched to imprint the truth of his feelings on his tongue, wanted to make the angel feel the hugeness of what he felt for him.</p>
<p>“I love you too, you stupid angel,” he admitted with almost a desperate grunt, hating the distance already, too intoxicated with their kisses to care about being too sap. “I love you <em>so fucking much</em>…”</p>
<p>Aziraphale whined, eyes completely blurred with tears, and pushed Crowley closer with a force that ignited more the huge need taking over him now. The angel kissed him deeply and moved, trying to approach their bodies as much as possible, a manoeuvre that almost made Crowley fall backwards. The kiss broke when the demon supported himself by instinct and Aziraphale tried not to fall over him, both of them starting to laugh embarrassedly a second after.</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Crowley muttered, sitting straight again, clearing his throat, “we should get back to the flat. Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day.”</p>
<p>He stood up, grabbing the pair of shoes he’d left aside and offering a hand to the angel, who looked up at him, eyes shining, and took it with a brief but happy smile. When they both were out of the blanket, Crowley miracled it away.</p>
<p>“Are you sure that you want to leave all this?” Aziraphale asked, not letting go of his hand.</p>
<p>“I’ll be where you are,” Crowley just answered, feeling a rush of relief to be able to say such things knowing now they wouldn’t be uncomfortable for the angel. “And I don’t think you want to stay here, don’t you? How much you’ve been away from the bookshop, anyway?”</p>
<p>“A few weeks now,” Aziraphale muttered sadly and it was clear that he missed the place.</p>
<p>“We’ll be back tomorrow, then,” Crowley said, reassuring, putting his glasses on again.</p>
<p>Aziraphale nodded and they started to walk towards the promenade, hands interlaced and zero intentions of letting go. However, when they arrived, they had to, Crowley handing the shoes to him, waiting for him to put them on, and helped him up to the pavement. Aziraphale took advantage of the gesture to capture his hand on a grip again, making the demon blush a little. They had touched more in the span of an evening than during six millennia and Crowley thought he’d die due to it at any moment.</p>
<p>They barely talked during the stroll back to the flat; there was no need, or maybe neither of them could. Crowley was feeling a strange but glowing mix of emotions coming from Aziraphale and was having it hard to discern them, considering his own emotions were a roller-coaster. He was expecting to wake up at any moment, the mirage he was in breaking.</p>
<p>But that didn’t happen. Everything was real. It was <em>really</em> happening. He couldn’t believe himself.</p>
<p>Once inside the flat again, Aziraphale’s swirl of emotions seemed to get worse, spinning and crushing against his back as he entered the place. He wasn’t worried about it, since he was also in a similar state. As always, he opted for the calmness, for the nonchalant posture.</p>
<p>“Well,” Crowley said, looking at him after the door closed behind them and taking off his glasses, leaving them on the table by it. “What do you want to do now? You don’t sleep often so… We could watch a movie or somethin’, if you…”</p>
<p>His voice died down and Crowley found himself breathless suddenly. The swirl cleared inside Aziraphale, two strong emotions predominating. Crowley stared blankly at the angel, who watched him in return, growing restless and ashamed as the seconds passed.</p>
<p>It wasn’t the first time and precisely because it wasn’t —and precisely because Crowley was a demon and could feel that sort of things—, he discerned it with frightening clarity. And, now, it terrified Crowley, even if he’d never admit it did. Because, now, such emotion could derive to a tangible, very possible outcome.</p>
<p>“I-I’m sorry,” Aziraphale tugged the edge of his shirt, stretching it well, blushing. “I can’t… Control it.”</p>
<p>The demon was still accepting the feeling, very aware that it wasn’t dying down, not even a little. Contrarily, it was increasing. However, he did nothing about it.</p>
<p>Crowley knew a few things about lust and knew that, even if you felt it —even if very strongly— didn’t strictly mean you were ready to get carried away by it, or affront the consequences of giving in.</p>
<p>Aziraphale had felt lust towards him; Crowley had known every time and never brought it up, never mentioned it when happened. Sometimes, that gave him hope. He didn’t know what to expect of that hope, but it helped him through the roughest patches. In a way, the angel was interested in him, and that was more than enough.</p>
<p>Nevertheless, they had just made the first step after millennia of coming and going, of pinning, and misunderstandings, and long waiting. Crowley died for the angel, burned at the idea of them crossing that line. He’d wanted the angel just as much as he loved him and didn’t want to push his —<em>incredibly huge</em>— luck.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry,” Crowley smiled slyly, but still soft. “‘S good to know I’m not losing my touch.”</p>
<p>He walked towards the telly and crouched down before the furniture under it, looking at the movies. “Clearly not,” the angel said behind him, with a low voice, barely audible, and not moved from the spot where he was standing.</p>
<p>Crowley was about to recite a few options he thought the angel could fancy when another rush of emotions arrived at him, just as clear as the other two: jealousy and self-doubt. He stood up right away, movies forgotten, turning towards Aziraphale, puzzled.</p>
<p>“What…?” He started, unsure about what was going through the angel’s mind. “What’s wrong? Why are you…?”</p>
<p>Aziraphale furrowed, seeming very alarmed. “How can you do that? You really… Feel everything?”</p>
<p>“Think so,” he admitted, taking a few careful steps closer. “I can try to cut it if makes you uncomfortable.”</p>
<p>“No,” he shook his head, gulping, averting his eyes for a moment. “No, you don’t have to. It’s just… New. And… You’re astonishingly sensitive.”</p>
<p>“These things I already felt them before, y’know?” He said nonchalantly and sighed. “What’s wrong?”</p>
<p>“Nothing, really,” he tried to shove it away but Crowley arched a brow, making him utter a soft grunt of surrender and tiredness. “It’s stupid, in fact. I was… Thinking about last night and… It bothered me, alright?” Aziraphale admitted, his voice raising a little. “Very much so.”</p>
<p>Crowley found himself needing a moment to put the pieces together, still unused to the new page they were in. “Last night,” he repeated. “You mean… What you saw.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he whispered, completely embarrassed now. “And… I know that you’ve probably had tons of lovers but… I-I just… I wasn’t ready to saw it and… I don’t even know if I look like you fancy and…”</p>
<p>“Oh, Go-Sat- <em>Someone</em>. Angel. Seriously, stop right there,” Crowley uttered, feeling as if his head was about to explode.</p>
<p>He stepped closer, barely leaving a space between them, and his heart shook at the look of worry the angel was giving him. Crowley placed his hands on his shoulders, just as much reluctant as sure.</p>
<p>“Two.”</p>
<p>“T-Two?” Aziraphale repeated, babbling, furrowing in confusion.</p>
<p>“Just two. One-night stands, also. And… Didn’t like it, honestly,” Crowley muttered, uncomfortable but burning to reassure Aziraphale.</p>
<p>“But you’re… the Tempter and…” Aziraphale risked a fast glance up and down to Crowley and he felt another rush of lust, which made him blush again.  “<em>Dear</em>.”</p>
<p>“‘M good at tempting. Doesn’t mean anything, though. Doesn’t mean I have to participate in the temptation,” he explained. “And… Just wanted you. Just felt it for you, okay? I’m the sappiest demon in the whole existence. <em>Ugh</em>. So what? Those times happened… Because I was <em>frustrated</em>, and we’d <em>fought</em> right before and well… I was trying <em>so hard</em> to prove myself something, whatever… That maybe I could… Forget about you. Or at least go on as if it wasn’t a big deal. Never worked, in the end. Made it worse, really.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale was looking at him with tears about to fall and it broke Crowley’s heart all over again. He’d known before the angel did have lovers, a bunch more than Crowley, and even if he felt the pang of guilt in Aziraphale now, he’d avoid talking about it at all costs; there was no need. All that mattered was now, their side.</p>
<p>“So… You want me <em>want me</em>?” Aziraphale muttered, unsure.</p>
<p>Crowley almost roared in laughing but held it back. Instead, he kept looking at the angel in silence and remembered. He pictured every moment he’d fucking burned while looking at him, barely able to breathe, chocking with a need that made his whole body hurt, and had to keep still and quiet about it. He focused on the fire inside him, that gentle and, at the same time, furious flames that were for and because the angel, that exploded with just a little glance from him. He remembered himself in too many lonely nights, breaking the silence of his flat with gasps and little grunts, hand wrapped tightly around himself and thousands of wicked thoughts of Aziraphale in his mind. After a few seconds, Aziraphale exhaled brokenly, eyes going wide, and Crowley knew, considering the huge emotion growing inside the angel, that he’d felt it clear.</p>
<p>“Is that enough of an answer for you?” Crowley asked, almost smirking.</p>
<p>Aziraphale’s lips parted, slightly trembling, but no sound came out of him. Crowley waited, patient, letting him process. When the facts clicked inside the angel’s mind, and before he could react properly, he had Aziraphale’s hands trapping his face, pulling him down into a fierce kiss.</p>
<p>He grunted, surprised, but welcoming it nonetheless. Aziraphale clung onto him, kissing him with so much passion that obliged Crowley to hold onto his hips, trying not to fall, completely destabilized. Aziraphale moved his hands to his copper hair, grabbing it, pushing him deeper into his mouth, tongue searching for his. Crowley moaned openly, making a sound so unguarded that he didn’t even recognise his voice. He sensed the teeth of the angel biting his lower lip and, all of a sudden, the rest of the barriers he’d imposed to himself crumbled.</p>
<p>His soul was bare now and at the mercy of Aziraphale. And when the angel pushed him, making him step backwards, he highly suspected his body would be as well, very soon. A hard thill ran down his spine, his whole body shivering, his warmth turning into pure heat when he was pushed backwards more, urging him to walk towards the bedroom.</p>
<p>They stumbled a little, hands and mouths never leaving the other, slightly colliding against the door and the frame, clumsily making their way to the bed. Crowley was getting carried away, mind completely clouded and in denial that this was happening.</p>
<p>However, when he felt his gravity shifting as two hands pushed him to sit on the edge of the bed, the denial went away when his eyes met the hungry but loving gaze of Aziraphale, watching him from above. The angel stood between his legs and Crowley grabbed his hips slightly tighter, sensing his mouth going dry and his ears deafened with his useless but furious heartbeat. He gulped, starting to tremble, thoughts going frantic with the looping chant ‘<em>this is real. This is real. It’s happening. It’s happening, no? Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Shit.</em>’</p>
<p>Aziraphale moved fast again, cupping his face and kissing him hard. Crowley quivered when the angel half straddled him, backing one knee on the mattress and making him lay on his back, knocking the air out of him when he saw —<em>so fucking clearly</em>— the lust in his eyes. He stopped kissing him for a moment, their faces mere inches apart, and the ragged breathing of the angel made him even dizzier. His pupils had blown wide, eating away the blueness of his irises, and his lips were flushed and swollen, and damn him again if that wasn’t the most beautiful thing he’d seen in his whole existence, before and after his Fall.</p>
<p>“A-Angel…” Crowley whispered, voice rough with unhidden desire.</p>
<p>“I want… I want to make you mine, Crowley,” the angel said, expression serious but voice breaking. “I don’t want to wait anymore. <em>I’m not</em> afraid anymore.”</p>
<p>Crowley made a strangled noise, throat tightening painfully, and his whole body warmed up at the words of the angel. “‘M already yours. Always been,” he managed to say. “Do… Whatever you want.”</p>
<p>“I… I need to show you how much I love you. How much I want you,” Aziraphale said, almost desperate, hands lowering down his neck, producing shivers on his skin as they went.</p>
<p>He was glad the angel had made him lay down. Otherwise, his legs wouldn’t have supported him, crumbling at the reality of it all. Crowley managed a simple nod and, instantly, he had the angel claiming his mouth once more.</p>
<p>Instantly, his hands roamed over his black shirt, caressing his body as they lowered more, breaking all the defences of Crowley, turning him embarrassingly fast into a mess of whimpers and warm shivers, feeling his cock already hardening, pushing against the tightness of his trousers. If Aziraphale caused him that reaction with just kissing him passionately and touching him over his clothes, he was sure he’d discorporate him at some point of the night.</p>
<p>Aziraphale gripped the edge of his shirt, backing away from the kiss to tug it up. Crowley complied, grabbing the back of it and taking it off, throwing it away somewhere. The angel didn’t lean over immediately to kiss him again; he stayed half-kneeled above him, examining his bare trunk with deep adoration, his whole face painted with different shades of blush and his eyes shining like two headlights.</p>
<p>Crowley writhed. “<em>C’mon</em>,” he breathed out. “‘S not the first time you <em>ssssee</em> me,” he gulped, clenching his teeth, the hissing already appearing. He was fucking losing control <em>that </em>fast, it seemed.</p>
<p>Aziraphale leaned over again, his hands placing softly on his abdomen, and Crowley couldn’t help a loud yelp, the warmness and softness of his hands huger than he’d expected. The hunger in his eyes pushed him against the mattress as an invisible force and gasped when the angel lowered, his hands exploring his chest now, burying his face on his neck. Crowley felt as if his nerves were wires, and all of them had lighted up with electricity at the feeling of his lips so close to his skin, his hot breath caressing his throat.</p>
<p>“But I couldn’t tell you how magnificent you are back then,” the angel muttered with a deep voice and pressed a wet kiss under his jaw, ripping a moan from the demon. “How much,” his hands lowered again, very abruptly, very fast, gripping his belt with clumsy passion, “I’ve died to have you.”</p>
<p>He just whimpered as the angel started to devour his neck, taking off his belt fast as he did so, biting and sucking. Crowley rose his hands, desperately clinging onto the angel’s back, closing his eyes tight and tilting his head back for the angel to have more space. He was already going mad, breaking very fast, swallowed by a need that was almost incapacitating him to move. He was just trembling, moaning, praying for more but not being able to find the strength to speak it aloud.</p>
<p>Aziraphale took his belt off and proceeded fast to unbutton and unzip his trousers. He awoke a little from his blurry with need state of mind and took his hands to unbutton Aziraphale’s shirt as well, clumsily, trying to rush as much as possible. The angel seemed to start to tremble as well at the ghosting of Crowley’s hands and it made the demon growl inside his mouth. He pushed the shirt down his shoulders and Aziraphale moved up to allow it. Annoyed, Crowley discovered an undershirt still covering him, and didn’t wait a moment to clench it and deprive the angel of it.</p>
<p>He took a broken breath then, his serpent eyes roaming over the exposed flesh of the angel, and he sensed his whole being spinning with desperate longing, remembering right away he could satiate it now. Aziraphale seemed slightly concerned suddenly, growing restless, almost averting his eyes from his. Crowley reached for him, lithe fingers interlacing with pallid curls, pushing him down to his mouth, not leaving space for the angel to doubt himself.</p>
<p>“You’re so damn beautiful…” He growled between the space of their lips, lowering his hands to caress the back of the angel, gasping softly as he sensed the softness of it.</p>
<p>Aziraphale’s arms gave in a little, their trunks touching, making both of them moan softly at the feeling. The angel lowered a hand, gripping one of Crowley’s legs, almost backing it on his hips, and passed and arm under his back, placing both of them upper on the bed. Crowley emitted a little grunt, blushing impossibly redder at the feeling of being lifted so easily by the angel.</p>
<p>“<em>Shit, Aziraphale</em>,” he grunted, a huge shiver taking over him when he left him on the bed, very gently.</p>
<p>“What?” He asked, furrowing a little, worried.</p>
<p>He emitted another growl, unable to put into words that feeling how strong the angel was had aroused him even more. Not that his corporation weighted much, but still. Crowley tilted his head backwards, closing his eyes tight, when the angel leaned over, caressing the side of his face softly, their hips touching and the feeling of his erection against his sending him straight into madness.</p>
<p>“Miracle <em>everything</em> away,” he rasped, breathless, desperate. “The clothes.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale chuckled, amused by his sudden impatience. “I was rather enjoying the undressing, to be honest,” he admitted, joyful, although with a little teasing in his tone.</p>
<p>The demon growled again, opening his lids and looking at the angel with certain annoyance. He wanted to say something but just growled once more, letting himself fall flat on the mattress completely. The angel laughed, kissing him with sweetness, before lowering again, tracing a slow way of kisses down his throat. Crowley sighed at every one, shivering when he started to travel down his chest, his hands gripping the sheets under him.</p>
<p>He wanted to scream of joy, of the happiness he was feeling through the desperation of needing more of the angel, needing <em>everything</em>, now and forever, and over and over and over again. Aziraphale was worshipping him; there was something celestial about the way he was kissing Crowley’s body and he could feel the transcendentality of it in his veins, in the material of his soul.</p>
<p>Aziraphale captured one of his nipples between his lips, very softly, and the tingling pleasure of it sent him straight into a pool of desperation, so deep he didn’t even know such dept existed. The angel seemed to get off more with the sounds Crowley was making than with exploring him so slowly. He advanced with a torturing rhythm, kissing every inch of his trunk, and, after which seemed an eternity, his lips left his skin. Crowley opened his eyes, not realizing he’d closed them, and looked up, finding the angel kneeled between his spread legs and with his hands gripping the edge of his trousers. Before he could push them down, he snapped his fingers, making them disappear. The angel uttered a helpless yelp, giving him a little frown.</p>
<p>“Not easy to take off,” he just muttered, his head spinning at how exposed he felt now, and growled, looking at the angel. “You’re <em>overdressssed</em>.”</p>
<p>He chuckled at that, blushing slightly, and sighed. “I suppose fair’s fair,” and he snapped his fingers as well, trousers disappearing.</p>
<p>The angel bent down again, looking at him hungrily, and when he gripped the band of his boxers, starting to slid them down his slim hips, Crowley sucked on a breath. A second after, he was completely naked and Aziraphale was staring at him in a way that made him feel about to combust, his blush taking over his whole face, climbing down through his neck.</p>
<p>“You’re the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen,” Aziraphale muttered, sounding completely breathless. “Oh, <em>Crowley</em>…”</p>
<p>In another moment, he’d have said something mocking or laughed it off. However, now, his mind was completely blank, the sheer need from both of them the only thing echoing inside his skull.</p>
<p>Aziraphale was dragged again towards him, his hands caressing their way up by Crowley’s thigs, hips, sides, until their faces were close again. He pressed a reverential kiss against the lips of the demon, both of them moaning when their erections brushed, still a thin layer between them, as Aziraphale pressed their bodies together.</p>
<p>“I swear to G-<em>Ugh</em>… Angel,” Crowley grunted, his mind clouding with so much need he couldn’t handle it. “<em>Touch me</em>. Do <em>something</em>, I don’t care. But… <em>Please</em>.”</p>
<p>He wasn’t handling very nonchalantly six thousand years of waiting, definitely not. Although, at that point, blind with the grace of the angel above him, he couldn’t care. He wanted him all over, wanted to feel every inch of him, have him so close the wholeness of their beings blended together.</p>
<p>The angel gasped, something equally dark and bright reflecting in his gaze, one of his hands lowering through his body again, raising a little to leave space between their bodies. Crowley almost protested at the lack of his skin, if it wasn’t because his voice cracked in a low moan, and his lungs rioted, refusing to let air in, when Aziraphale grabbed his cock, starting to stroke him gently.</p>
<p>Crowley felt a shot of raw pleasure take over his body, like nothing he’d ever felt before. He knew pleasure, by his hand and by other’s hands. And neither one or the other had felt like Aziraphale’s fingers felt. Just that cautious, slow motion had reinvented pleasure for him completely in a second.</p>
<p>He arched his back, whole body tensing, and risked a look down against his own sanity. As expected, the sight of the angel touching him broke him, his eyes raising to meet Aziraphale’s face, just to discover him looking as well, flushed, lips pursuing in delight. He felt him staring and searched for the demon’s eyes as well, gasping when their gazes met.</p>
<p>For a second, Crowley though he was about to say something. Instead, he started to stroke him harder as he lowered, kissing his way down through his trunk. He realized soon what the angel had in mind and, all of a sudden, his brain shut off just by conjuring it as a thought.</p>
<p>Aziraphale kissed his hips, almost lingering, positioning himself between Crowley’s legs. He had his eyes on the ceiling now, aware that if he looked down, he’d probably come right then. And it was too soon. But the angel’s hand was quickening its pace and he could feel Aziraphale’s lips teasing the zone near his shaft, his breath producing shivers on his skin and he was going <em>fucking insane</em>.</p>
<p>“Dear,” he heard him whisper and acknowledged because his motion over him stopped abruptly, and his voice went from moans and cries to gasps. “Dear?”</p>
<p>“Huh?” He said, raising his head to look at the angel, now gazing at him with worry.</p>
<p>“Are you alright?” The angel asked softly.</p>
<p>He gulped. “Yeah?” Crowley managed, gasping, surprised by such question. He couldn’t think of a moment he’d been better.</p>
<p>“You seemed… A little off,” he muttered with concern. “You don’t like oral? We can move on to another thing if you don’t. I don’t mind.”</p>
<p>“<em>You’ve got to be kidding me…</em>” He whispered, barely a gasp, tilting his head backwards against the mattress, and placing a palm on his already sweaty forehead, feeling about to lose his mind. “Go ahead, angel. <em>Go ahead</em>. If I don’t like something I’ll tell you but… <em>Ah, fuck</em>!”</p>
<p>He wasn’t ready. He’d been picturing this for thousands of years, and still he hadn’t been prepared for the intensity of Aziraphale taking him in his mouth. At the confirmation, the angel didn’t hesitate in proceeding, wrapping his soft lips on his shaft right away, enveloping him in wet warmness. Crowley cried out openly, involuntarily arching into the sensation, his hands going to immerse in the angel’s curls, keeping his grip soft with the last trace of self-control he had. Aziraphale made a pleased sound, a muffled moan, and added his mouth into work as he started to bob his head.</p>
<p>“Fuck. Fuck. <em>Ah</em>… <em>Ah</em>-An-<em>gel</em>! <em>Fuck</em>,” Crowley cried out, panting already, sure that he was about to combust.</p>
<p>Aziraphale’s hands gripped his hips, keeping him pinned down, and he sensed how hot they were now against his skin, almost burning. He’d never felt his mind so light and so full at the same time. His whole being was flooded with pleasure, wave after wave, increasing until he couldn’t think of anything but Aziraphale on him and the dichotomy of if he needed the angel to take him or if he wanted to take him instead. He wanted literally everything. He wanted to be there, to be up, and down, and wrestling for the middle, and everywhere, in every way, for the rest of their existences. He wanted to love him until they both forgot what pain was. He wanted to be by his side without barriers. He wanted to make love to him, the angel to return it, and also fuck him until their voices made Heaven and Hell tremble with how huge their love was.</p>
<p>And, <em>fuck</em>… He could get that now. It was <em>real</em>.</p>
<p>“Angel,” he growled, slightly bending up, and tugged his blonde curls with supreme gentleness to demand his attention.</p>
<p>Aziraphale rose up, letting go and looking up. Crowley had to breathe in to not come at the sight of him between his legs, mouth wet and swollen from sucking him. He stretched his hands, grabbing his shoulders, his forearms, pushing him up towards him once more. Before the angel could ask why he’d stopped him, he found himself being turned around, suddenly pinned against the mattress under Crowley’s body.</p>
<p>He gazed at Crowley bewildered, blushing until he seemed a tomato and he couldn’t help smirking. “My turn,” Crowley muttered, lowering to sink his face on the angel’s neck and placing himself better between his legs, mercilessly pressing his hips against the angel’s.</p>
<p>“But I was—<em>Oh</em>!” He moaned when the forked tongue of the demon started to lick his skin very slowly. Painfully slowly.</p>
<p>“I’ve been waiting for thi<em>sss</em> for thousands of years,” Crowley muttered with a deep voice. “Can’t stay quiet. ‘M sorry. I <em>can’t</em>.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t complaining, dear,” he managed to say between gasps as Crowley left love bites on his neck, hands gripping his reddish mane. “I just… Wanted to… <em>Ah</em>—Finish.”</p>
<p>Crowley rose his face up from his neck and looked at the angel, approaching their faces until they almost touched. “I want one of us very buried inside the other when that happens,” he admitted in a husky voice, tone full of heat. “How do you want me, angel?” He closed the distance, giving him a slow, passionate kiss, drinking from the soft moans he ripped from him. “How do you want me after I take your cock in my mouth? Anything you want, I’ll give it to you.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale made a squeaky sound, pupils blowing wide and looking more flustered even. Crowley had been waiting to seduce him properly for ages. He was going to take advantage of this luckiness as if there was no tomorrow.</p>
<p>The things happening inside the angel, mixing in a confusing swirl of heavy arouse, confusion and love made Crowley grin slyly. He couldn’t believe how fucking lucky he was. He couldn’t believe the love of his life wanted him so much, loved him so much and was completely wrecked for him.</p>
<p>“Well… ‘S alright. You don’t have to decide now,” he muttered, giving him another soft kiss, less devilish this one. “I can,” Crowley sighed, staring to trace a way of sloppy kisses down his jaw and throat again, “help you decide, though…” He continued lowering down the angel’s body, shivering at the softness of him, the velvety feeling of his skin on his lips, on his palms. “With a bit of… You know? A little of this,” Crowley teased with a murmur, licking one of his nipples and pitching the other, making the angel moan. “And…” He continued down, pressing kisses until reaching his hips. He snapped his fingers, underwear disappearing, and his whole body lighted up when his hand laid on the angel’s cock, stroking him softly. “A little of this too.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale cried out desperately, arching into the touch. “<em>Crowley</em>!” He moaned loudly and it tore Crowley apart in the most beautiful way.</p>
<p>“Fuck… You’re so hot, angel. <em>I can’t believe it</em>…” He gasped, observing the creature under him coming apart under his touch. This was his true Heaven.</p>
<p>“Please, oh! <em>Crowley, please</em>!” He begged, already lost.</p>
<p>He smirked, not needing more clarification, and he sunk himself between the angel's thighs, giving them a few licks and bites before taking him in his mouth. Aziraphale let out a desperate cry that reverberated inside Crowley, shaking him to the core, and he submitted to the sensation of giving his angel so much pleasure. Fuck… He was drunk in how much he loved this, how much he’d wanted to be everything, to give Aziraphale everything.</p>
<p>Crowley kept it rather slow, savouring the moment, exploring how Aziraphale liked it, studying how he responded to every new angle, to every moment of his forked tongue, to the different amounts of pressure of his lips. He wanted this to be so good… So fucking good neither of them could forget a single second for the eternity to come.</p>
<p>Aziraphale held onto his hair, tugging it a little bit tight, and he was sure he wasn’t realizing how hard was grabbing him, but Crowley didn’t mind at all. Contrarily, he opted to fasten his movements, taking his hand to work along with his mouth, making the angel’s voice crack with a broken scream, raw with absolute pleasure.</p>
<p>“<em>Crowley</em>, I’m—About to…” He fought to warn, but he was spilling inside his mouth before he could say something else.</p>
<p>He drove him through his orgasm, swallowing him dry, and unable to fight his trembling of emotion before such sounds, before the feeling of taking the angel apart. It was too much, and not enough yet.</p>
<p>Crowley rose from between his legs, crawling up to his angel, and was marvelled at the rapture still written in his face after bursting. He was so bright, flushed all over and with half-lidded eyes full of passion and release. He cupped one of the angel’s cheeks, caressing it with all his gentleness, and sighed, his heart about to explode with love.</p>
<p>“We can rest a little, if you need to,” he whispered, aware of the state the angel was in.</p>
<p>“No,” Aziraphale sighed, waking up from his state of ecstasy a little. “No. I want you now. I <em>need you</em> now, my love.”</p>
<p>Crowley almost fell over the angel at the naming, limps going weaker than ever and heart soaring to the ceiling. Aziraphale beamed, realizing the effect of his words on the demon. <em>Such a bastard</em>. Crowley was sure he’d use that new discovery against him constantly now. Not that he minded, really, if the angel called him that on loop, even if teasingly.</p>
<p>“How do you want to do this?” He whispered reverently, pressing a soft kiss against his mouth, starting to feel the anticipation build in his stomach. Finally. It was <em>finally</em> happening. He was losing his composure inside.</p>
<p>“I… Want to ride you.”</p>
<p>“<em>Oh</em>.”</p>
<p>He straightened up, surprised. Honestly, he hadn’t thought that possiblility for that very moment and the words of the angel felt like a mallet hitting his head. If he’d been hard before, now he was so much it hurt. He let out a soft grunt, arms shaking under his weight and, fuck, he would never refuse anything to the angel. And let alone that. He would have to be out of his damned mind to refuse that.</p>
<p>“Uh… I… We’ve to get you ready before,” he muttered, his tongue suddenly weighing a tone.</p>
<p>He was feeling rather stupid at so much swinging between attitudes. However, he was discovering fast how being with the angel like this made him go from feral to weak very fast. He just needed a soft moan to lose his mind, and a filthy word to fall into weakness again. Aziraphale would be his demise, at this pace, and he couldn’t care. If his heart rioted, if his body couldn’t handle that much amount of beautifulness… Well, he didn’t care meanwhile it was the angel who ended him, and in such a wonderful way.</p>
<p>Aziraphale seemed slightly annoyed at that and snapped his fingers, a soft grunt escaping his mouth, almost a moan. Crowley arched his brows, about to start laughing.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe you,” he sniggered, a devilish smile creeping to his lips after a momentary shock. “Have you really miracled yourself open?”</p>
<p>The angel’s face turned impossibly red and clung onto Crowley’s neck, an embarrassed expression filling his features as he leaned up in search for his mouth. “I can’t wait more.”</p>
<p>Crowley let the angel handle him, turning them around again, and noticed his whole senses going wild when gazed up. Kneeled with his body between his legs, Aziraphale stood, looking at him with the same intensity he was feeling. He held onto his hips softly, not urging, but giving him permission to move on whenever he wished. Meanwhile, he rejoiced in the magnificent sight of the angel there, bare, body and soul, about to have him after millennia.</p>
<p>When Aziraphale grabbed his cock, aligning him with his entrance, Crowley had to hold his breath, even if it was unnecessary. It gave him a false sensation of readiness, of collecting himself for the revelation he was sure was about to fill his existence. Slowly, Aziraphale pushed himself down, taking him with care. After which seemed an eternity, he bottomed out, sitting on Crowley’s lap, and both of them let out a loud moan.</p>
<p>Crowley closed his eyes tightly, indeed crushed under an epiphany. Every second had been worth it. Every pain. Every moment of waiting and longing. Everything had been worth it if it had taken him to feeling himself inside Aziraphale, wrapped in warmth, and grace, and love. Oh, shit… He was so loved… Aziraphale loved him so, so much. It felt like breaking the ocean’s surface to face a very bright sun, after decades of living under the most salvage and dark waters.</p>
<p>He opened his eyes as much as he could, looking at the angel through a thin layer of blurriness —due to desire, he told himself; he refused to acknowledge tears in such moment—. Aziraphale had closed his eyes too, briefly, and the blush had crept down his chest. When both their gazes met, he leaned over, supporting his weight on both hands, placed at both sides of Crowley’s face, who gripped his hips tighter, <em>so fucking ready</em>…</p>
<p>The angel leaned over to kiss him, capturing his mouth with a soft whimper. Crowley opened his mouth, giving him entrance, and his tongue caressed his, reverently, pouring so much emotion into him that he started to tremble again. His lips were all warm and softness, and the hotness of his breath was making him ascend —if that was possible for a demon—.</p>
<p>And then, he moved, swaying his hips just a little, and Crowley broke into a moan. Aziraphale backed on his hands again, raising, looking down to him with increasing need. Crowley would’ve sworn he saw his eyes getting watery too, but then he started to move his hips at last, and all thought was lost.</p>
<p>Aziraphale rocked against him, moaning softly at first, seeming to struggle to keep his eyes open. Crowley, as usual, didn’t blink; however, this time was on purpose. He couldn’t take his eyes off the angel. He would rather be destroyed than miss a single second of what was happening. He moaned in tandem with the angel, gasping, gripping his hips tighter and tighter, losing his mind just a minute in.</p>
<p>“<em>Shit, Az-‘Zhiraphale</em>,” he growled, the prayer building in his chest, exploding like the burst of a bubble out of him. “Don’t ssstop, angel. <em>Don’t stop</em>. Don’t…”</p>
<p>“Crowley,” he cried out, suddenly gripping his hands and backing on them, interlaced. “Dear… You feel so good, I…”</p>
<p>Crowley let out a strangled noise at that, starting to buckle up to meet the movement of the angel, needing desperately to hear him moan his name again, over and over, forever. He needed his love, needed his heat, his voice breaking with pleasure… He <em>needed it</em>. Needed it like a dying man needed air. He needed Aziraphale with every fibre of his corporation, with every piece of his poorly demonic soul.</p>
<p>“My name,” he gasped. “Say <em>my name</em> again.”</p>
<p>“<em>Crowley</em>!” The angel screamed, hands tightening against his, his arms about to give in.</p>
<p>Something got out of control inside the demon. Maybe it was just that the angel drove him crazy; maybe it was six thousand years of building up, of too many yearnings needing to be satiated. Crowley wrapped his arms around the angel with force and turned them around, pinning him under him. Aziraphale gasped and instantly recomposed, holding onto his neck and wrapping his legs around Crowley’s waist. Crowley pressed his forehead against Aziraphale’s, shivering all over at the feeling of the angel enveloping him. He started to thrust into him, acquiring a rhythm that had as much as wild and fast as gentle and loving, and that had both of them moaning loudly at the other at the very instant. And, as if he’d known the body of the angel in this sense for centuries, he found the perfect angle, the perfect movement to hit his prostate with every thrust.</p>
<p>Aziraphale tilted his head backwards, eyes shutting, mouth opening in overwhelming pleasure. “Oh, yes! Crowley, <em>yes</em>!” He moaned, legs constricting him more. “Ah…Ah, love… <em>Fuck</em>.”</p>
<p>“Angel!” Crowley sniggered with an amused tone, his movements half-stopping for a second, relenting at the other, enough to capture his mouth in a deep kiss. “I’ve never imagined it’d take this to make you swear.”</p>
<p>“Don’t tease,” he whimpered. “Please… I need…”</p>
<p>His words went lost with the breaking of a high-pitched moan, Crowley cutting him off thrusting harder into him, overwhelmed with the need of the angel but dying to keep making him feel good.</p>
<p>Soon after, they both were staring to glimpse the edge of their respective ecstasies, Aziraphale’s voice filled with screams and moans that always carried his name, and Crowley’s body crumbling, his hips starting to move more raggedly with the heat building in his lower belly. He was completely consumed by now, consumed and crazier for Aziraphale than he’d ever been —something he’d doubted it was possible before—. He sensed the angel losing it too, but waited for him to ask, to give him a hint, even if his hand burned to grab his cock and drive him off the edge. Crowley was chasing the moment of it with the last braincell that could reason something out; he wanted to get completely wrecked by the face of the angel as he came.</p>
<p>“Dear I’m—I’m so close I…Want to…” He begged, barely able to look at him in the throes of such desire.</p>
<p>Crowley didn’t wait a second; he wrapped his fingers around his shaft, stroking him at the same time his hips pounded inside him. He waited, and waited, and watched, and trembled at the sight of the angel coming apart thanks to him. And, after a few strokes, Aziraphale was coming with the expression of purest ecstasy, throbbing in his hand, clenching around him, and it was more than enough to send Crowley down the same cliff. He came with a desperate shout, screaming Aziraphale’s name, and, for an indeterminate time, he was swallowed by the infiniteness of it all, higher than he’d ever been.</p>
<p>He hadn’t come down that state yet, but his body gave in, resting completely on Aziraphale’s, face hiding on his neck. He sensed the angel still clinging onto him desperately, both of them panting, his now sweaty scent and the tingling of pleasure all over his skin keeping his mind blurred. Crowley moved even through this state, getting out of the angel, miracling them clean, and falling to his side but barely leaving space between them, hands still on him.</p>
<p>They both looked at each other, pupils still blown wide, expressions full of love and joy and disbelief. Crowley pulled off a wide smile, a little laughter escaping him; he couldn’t help it. He didn’t realize right away a few tears were escaping his eyes, and that it was the reason because the same was happening to Aziraphale two second later. He cupped his face, drying them away with his thumb, and couldn’t help the sudden need to press his lips against the angel’s, kissing him as softly as he could, as emotively as he could muster. He wasn’t much of a demon of words, and because he knew so, he needed Aziraphale not only to sense his love, but to feel it in every way. And he wanted to be… Nice. Good. Soft. He wouldn’t admit it aloud, but he wanted to give him all that, be all that, anyway.</p>
<p>Aziraphale returned it, seeming to want to drown in it, and whimpered as Crowley captured his lips that reverently, sinking one of his hands in his reddish hair, gripping it softly. When the demon broke the kiss, their foreheads touching, lips mere inches apart, they both gasped, and sighed, and rejoiced in their new reality.</p>
<p>“Never ever leave me, Crowley,” Aziraphale begged in a whisper. “Please… Never again.”</p>
<p>“Never again, angel. My word.” <em>As if he could now</em>.</p>
<p>He opened his eyes at the soft whimper the angel made, and kept caressing his cheek.</p>
<p>“I… Truly love you, Aziraphale,” he muttered softly. Maybe he wasn’t so bad with words after all.</p>
<p>“I love you too,” the angel sighed, frown furrowing with emotion, moving to make Crowley lay down and place his head against his chest.</p>
<p>Crowley’s heart went feral at the new position, radiating a raw intimacy that messed with his senses again, but didn’t hesitate in hugging Aziraphale closer, caress his curls when he was settled comfortably.</p>
<p>“Crowley?” The angel muttered softly at some point.</p>
<p>“Yes?”</p>
<p>“Will you… Move in with me, once we’re back?” He asked unsure.</p>
<p>Crowley’s heart jumped in his chest. “Ah… Like… You mean, living together?” He stuttered.</p>
<p>“If you want to. I’m not… You can’t reject it, if it’s too soon or… I’ll understand.”</p>
<p>He squeezed him, hugging him tighter, burying his face in his curls and repressing the need to scream in joy. He couldn’t believe how happy he was. “I want to. Of fucking course I want to.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale sighed in relief, relaxing again. Crowley sensed him drifting to sleep fast after that, and he observed him, smirking, amused and warmed up by the sight. He decided he wouldn’t sleep that night; he had better things now in his reality than in his dreams, so, every single one of his dreams was his reality now. He wanted to watch the angel sleep, to enjoy every second of their bodies tangled, love flying over their heads, filling the room.</p>
<p>He’d never been much fond of the concept of eternity, since it meant loneliness and eternal longing. Nevertheless, now, he wanted eternity with all of him, because he had love now. He had Aziraphale’s love and he wanted to keep it forever, to take care of the thing that had bloomed between them. He wanted to love him, just as he always had, for the rest of his existence and, now… <em>Now</em> he could. And he would.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Posting a 20k word fic during finals? Sounds like me. </p>
<p>Title's song: struggle - Tove Lo</p>
<p>Find me on <a href="https://nuryrune.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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